The Parker Project

5.22.10

2010-10-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

Our house is now OUR house. It's a great feeling. You stayed with Grandmama and Grandaddy last night. Apparently you wanted to party all night. You didn't go down until 10! And then you woke up at 3, stayed up and hour and you were up for the day at 6.

You've already woken up once, crying, since we put you down an hour ago. Please sleep tonight. Tomorrow is Velika's baby shower and I really need to rest.

PLEASE SLEEP!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.20.10

2010-10-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day! But that's not why I'm writing.

You did the sweetest thing with your Daddy today. We were hanging out before bedtime. You stood up, Daddy was laying in the floor. You grabbed his hand and pulled his hand until the two of you got over to your piano. You took his hand and started banging his hand on it. Then you started banging alongside him. It was precious. Simply amazing.

In lesser news, you held my hand walking to your bedroom for bedtime tonight. Again, simply breathtaking.

You are growing into such a happy, sweet little boy. You amaze me every day.

I love you Parker,
Mommy

5.19.10

2010-10-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

We're set to close on the house on Friday at 9am. We're pretty excited. :) This weekend is going to be super busy so I hope you'll be able to bear with us.

We have closing on Friday morning, you're staying with Grandmama and Grandaddy that night. Saturday we have to get the house together because on Sunday I'm throwing Velika her baby shower! You and Daddy will get to go hang out by yourselves for a bit that day.

I'm hoping you'll be okay through all the excitement. Next week will be back to normal.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

Mommy

05.17.10

2010-06-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

We're on our way to buying the house! We took a class today to help us get the loan for our house. We're set to close (officially buy) the house on Friday. We're very excited and very nervous. It's a really big deal.

You're just a barrel of monkeys! You are positively the silliest child I've ever known. We've been having you walk yourself to your bedroom or bathroom at night instead of carrying you. Tonight you came all the way to your bedroom and turned around and ran back to your Daddy in the kitchen. I managed to coax you back toward your bedroom again-almost. You turned and ran again, giggling the whole way. You ran into the den through the obstacle course of toys scattered about just cackling! So silly!

You're like this most of the time. An absolutely party to be around. I love you SO MUCH.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

05.16.10

2010-06-13T18:11:00.000-07:00

OH TEETH! You have all four top teeth, three on the bottom, and one molar (top left). Tonight when I was brushing and oragel-ing I found another molar almost through (bottom left) and another one's outside is coming through (top right). You're also still trying to cut your far right bottom tooth. I'm expecting your canines sometime soon. I hear that's NOT FUN. They're pointy. :(

You're so cuddly these days. You love to be read to. I hope that we're planting the seed for a lifelong hobby. Reading makes your life so much more rich. Anything you could wonder about, you can read about. It makes your view of life so much broader.

You had a meltdown at Panera today. NOT COOL. You're ordinarily so well behaved it was a shock to see you break down like that. I'm blaming it on teething, not a new norm.

I love you Parker.
Mommy

05.13.10

2010-06-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

Things are much better. We're getting accustomed to our new schedule. We're not quite as 'tired' of each other anymore. We've been going out to the grocery store and hanging out with your Grandmama some.

Today was a super fun day! Melissa and MacKenzie, Amanda, Shannon, and Velika came over for a bbq. We had burgers and hotdogs, grilled veggies, and roasted potatoes. You were having too much fun to eat much... silly willy. We went to the pool- you LOVED it! You cried when I took you out! I'm thinking we'll be spending lots of time down there this summer. Yay!

You're 16 months old today! Every day you amaze me more and more. You have the silliest disposition. You make me laugh all the time! We still don't have any more words yet but I have a feeling they're coming. You're about to cut two more molars. You have 8 teeth so far.

You eat pretty much anything I give you, even cheese finally! Yay! You prefer tomato sauces over everything else. I can't wait for you to be off of baby food altogether. It's my fault you still do jarred food at lunch. When you eat that stuff I know you're getting what you need. I don't always trust myself to know how to make nutritious food for you.

We're going to see your Great-Grandmama tomorrow. Please go to her, I think it hurts her feelings that you only want me when we're there.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

05.08.10

2010-06-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

I'm having a bad day. We're not used to spending this much time together. I'm so worried about having work to go back to. You aren't used to spending so much time with me. Also, your Dadddy is here more in the mornings but not so much during the day.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. You and Daddy already gave me my present. It's a necklace with your name, the year you were born, and your birthstone. *section purposely left out*

I've actually asked to spend the day in bed. We're so wrung out, you and I, the stress of work being flooded and my just being home is wearing on us.

I love you so much. We're just not used to spending this much time together.

Things are stressful right now. It doesn't mean I don't love you.... Don't ever feel that way.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

05.06.10

2010-06-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

We donated your clothes today! Six boxes! A little box of toys. Mommy and Daddy put together a HUGE bag of clothes. Your Grandmama and Grandaddy even chipped in 3 bags. YAY!

Today we're going to donate your last box of formula and some sippys! YAY!

When times are difficult it is absolutely imperative that you take stock of your situation and see what you have to give. It helps tremendously to give what you can when you can. It reminds you to be thankful for what you have and to be mindful that there are always people you can help.

This is one of the most basic lessons I want you to learn. To be giving, generous. You already share your food with me. You're going to be great at sharing your heart when you're older!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

05.05.10

2010-06-13T17:51:00.000-07:00

Lots of bad stuff has happened in the last couple of days. A good portion of Nashville has flooded, including the hotel your Daddy and I work at. One day I'll show you pictures. It truly is a disaster. So far, your Daddy and I both have our jobs. I'm pretty sure that your Daddy will keep his job completely. Next week I'm going to start looking for a new job. It's sort of scary, I've worked at one place for the last seven and a half years. I'm still looking for a place to donate your clothes.

I have some pretty exciting news, you had your hair cut for the first time yesterday! You look adorable! You were such a big boy. I'll put pictures up on your blog.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

05.02.10

2010-06-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

The last two days have been absolutely terrifying. We've had record flooding here. Over 10 inches of rain fell in less than 48 hours. Most interstates are closed, hundreds of roads closed. So many people have lost everything. Luckily, we're safe. We're dry and we have power. We have food, you have food. We're okay.

I'm going to work hard tomorrow to see where we can donate your clothes and some of our old clothes to people who've lost everything.

It is truly a disaster. And what you must do in a disaster is to first, make sure that family and friends are okay and second, do what you can to help those in need. And that's what we'll do in the coming days.

Know that I love you and I'm so glad that we're all okay.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

4.25.10

2010-04-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

We're on day 3 of no Daddy at bedtime. You went down really well so I'm a little afraid of what the night will bring.

Today I realized that one day I won't be the most important person in your life. You're going to have a best friend and later (hopefully later), a girlfriend. Those days are going to crush me. But it will be good. It will mean that I've raised a boy other boys will like and a boy someday a girl will love.

It's the days I find myself counting down time until bedtime that I kick myself after I've put you down. I can't get any of these minutes back. I think that's why I write this to you.

You're understanding more and more every day. You understand what I'm saying to you. Wow. I hope you understand how much I love you.

Sleep well.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

4.24.10

2010-04-25T17:59:00.000-07:00

It was sort of a stormy day. We ended up spending most of the day at your Grandparent's.

You waved 'bye' to the cashier at Publix this morning. YAY! You continued to wave all day. You were so proud of yourself!
Teething is going *okay*. You were pretty crabby this morning. I think we got ahead of the pain with your second dose of tylenol. I feel so awful for you. I wish it didn't hurt so much.

Today is day 2 of Daddy working at night. I have a feeling that tomorrow's bedtime is going to be rough. We just have to get through tomorrow and Monday. Then you'll get to spend all day Tuesday with him.

Please sleep well tonight.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

4.23.10

2010-04-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

Oh teeth! You're working on getting more. I think you're doing well. You're just a little grumpy during the day. You slept all night last night. I hope you do it again tonight.

You're getting so big. Just watching you every day, it's amazing. You smile and laugh. You clap and 'wash your hands'-it's this motion where you rub your palms together up and down like you're wiping off your hands. You shake your head 'no'. You run. It is so adorable, it's sort of a stumbly run but it's yours.

You dislike walking in grass, you get so focused and really swing your arms back and forth hard. You have a look of total concentration on your face. One day, it will all be so easy. Walking, running, being silly. I'm loving watching it be challenging.

I love watching you learn things. You're facinated when Daddy does 'Johnny pick 'em up' on the counter. You try to mimic his hand moving. It's beautiful.

It's going to be a stormy day tomorrow. We may go up and stay with Grandmama and Grandaddy.

Please stay asleep tonight.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

4.22.10

2010-04-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days have been really difficult. We were scared that we might not get to buy this house. Now, we're scared (happily so) that it's really going to happen. Lots of tears and fears.

Last night my friend, Kim, stayed with us. She and her boyfriend split up. That put even MORE stress on all of us. You woke up at 11:30 pm and cried and cried. I'm not sure if it was all the stress plus the fact that youre getting MORE teeth. I'm also not sure that any of us got more than minutes of sleep at a time.

I'm really hoping you'll get your rest tonight and we'll be able to get ours. I love you so much and I'm SO TIRED.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

4.16.10

2010-04-25T17:38:00.000-07:00

I have been super bad about writing lately. We've been busy. You run now. It's cute. Kind of like an old drunk guy. We took you outside after dinner and you fell twice. Scraped knees but you're fine.

You are getting so silly! Always making silly sounds, gurgling, and making fart sounds. You walk around doing this 'singing' kind of noise. You don't seem interested in saying real words at all. But you're constantly chattering.

And you're into everything! Your Daddy and I were trying to get us all packed for our wedding anniversary, we stayed at Opryland and you stayed with your Grandmama and Grandaddy. We took our eyes off of you for a second- you opened a bottle of your baby soap and spilled it all over a shelf on the bookcase in your room and then you were rubbing it all around the shelf with both hands! It was the biggest mess, I think we may have ruined our comforter. Oops. There was soap all over the bottom of a basket, we didn't know. You were so proud of yourself. It was really funny.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

4.09.10

2010-04-25T17:29:00.000-07:00

Wow teething. You're trying to cut two teeth on the bottom in the front-on either side of the two you have now and a molar. On Tylenol, you're fine. No tylenol or nap... Your prebirth nickname 'monster baby' comes to mind. I called you 'monster baby' when you were in my belly because you made me so sick. It was cute then. It's not cute now.

We went to the Southern Women's Show today. You were tired when we went. You had a total meltdown and finally passed out. You went down really easily tonight. I hope you sleep straight through.

We're going to buy the house we're living in, hopefully. Your Daddy is working as hard as he can to get this place to be ours. I'm really excited and nervous.

Tomorrow I'll make sure you get a proper nap, I promise.

**added as I type this: I wanted you to see what you looked like on your 2nd Easter, so that's the picture at the bottom.**

I love you Parker!
Mommy

4.01.10

2010-04-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

Things are looking pretty okay for us to buy this house. I'm cautiously optimistic... I want to stay here so bad. I love it here, it's where we brought you home. I'm hoping it can also be where we bring your baby brother or sister home too.

Your Daddy and I are in negotiations about when that might happen. I'm pretty determined.

We went to the park today. We didn't get to swing, to many babies there. You fell down in the sand. Oh you were covered! You went down the slide a couple of times, you didn't seem impressed.

You're wearing 18 month clothes pretty consistently now. I had to buy you new shoes today- a size 5! Bigfoot! :)

I love you Parker!
Mommy

3.31.10

2010-04-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

You scraped up your knees for the first time today. Grandmama and Grandaddy had you outside and you got away from them. You ran toward the flower bed in the backyard and didn't see the brick edging. You're okay, just a couple of scratches. They won't be your last.

We're going to Dragon Park with Melissa and MacKenzie tomorrow. Yay! I plan on taking lots of pictures!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

3.30.10

2010-04-05T07:51:00.000-07:00

It's been too long since I wrote last. We've been super busy. You're running almost! You're becoming sillier and silllier! Everything seems to crack you up.

I think you're cutting a molar. I hope so much that it comes in easily. Getting your front teeth in was just awful.

On Sunday, we went to the Frist Center, a museum. You really were a great little guy! On Monday you tasted your first bite of a hot dog- bad mommy! But you didn't seem too interested. You seem to prefer yummy, healthy food. Great!

I'll try to write more tomorrow!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

3.21.10

2010-04-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

We're going to have to move your bedtime back. It's still daylight when I put you down and you're fussing yourself to sleep. I think if we push it back to when it's dark, meaning eventually 8 pm, you'll go to sleep more easily. You also seem to have bad dreams at night, you cry out in the middle of the night. I don't want you to have bad dreams.

We went to the park with Amanda, Aidan, and MacKenzie yesterday. You LOVE the swings. Not so keen on the grass. Maybe when it's not so dead and crunchy.

You're having temper tantrums. I don't quite know how to handle them. But we've got to get a handle on them. I'm not going to have you melting down whenever you don't get your way. We'll get it figured out.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

3.17.10

2010-04-05T05:15:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day! You had the cutest shirt on today. It said 'ShamRocker'. I'm going to put it on you again and mohawk your hair and take pictures. It's going to be so cute! You're really going to hate all these pictures when you're older I bet. It's hard not to constantly photograph you. You do it so well! :)
I'm working four days a week now. You'll adjust. We just need to make more money. Hopefully. I'm looking forward to spending Saturday with you.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

3.15.10

2010-04-05T05:09:00.000-07:00

We had a pretty good day today. You went and stayed with your Great-Grandparents for a while so I go grocery shopping.

You are not liking the time change- Daylight Savings Time kind of sucks when you're a baby. You woke up pissed at midnight last night and I'm not positive you're asleep now. Please sleep. We all need our rest.

I'm a little upset with you... You seem to hate my cooking. I don't know what else to make. Your Daddy is the chef and it's pretty much agreed we'd all rather eat his food but you have to eat dinner!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

3.13.09

2010-04-05T05:04:00.000-07:00

You're 14 months old today! So big! What all are you doing right now? Walking. Everywhere. You're starting to run. You love to be chased around. You have this deep belly laugh when you're being chased. You love tickles. You're giving more kisses when you're asked for them.

Still not talking much, 'mama' and 'dada' a lot. You're starting to get frustrated when I can't figure out what you want. I wish you'd pick up pointing.

You love to open and close doors and drawers. You push the kitchen chairs around a lot. You still love the jumperoo.You love to have your picture taken. And the camera loves you.

You're eating more table food. And you'll be drinking milk only here soon. Your bottles are 3/4 milk now.

You're wearing me out. Your energy is boundless. Mommy needs naps. :)

It's been a LONG day today. You were grumpy all day and I've been tired. Hopefully tomorrow will be warmer and sunny. Hopefully we can get out of the house.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

3.09.10

2010-03-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

Today has been a bad day, no- a horrible day.... * the rest of the entry is left out to protect my family's privacy* It will be edited at a later date.

3.08.10

2010-03-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today was a big day! You both took your first swing at the park and your first bath in the big boy tub.

You loved both! I'm going to let the pictures do the talking... It's been a long day. I promise to write more tomorrow.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

3.02.10

2010-03-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

Time is flying! You're almost 14 months. It's crazy to think you've been here with us for so long.

You were a stinker today. Not a happy day for you. I think we're getting off our schedule and it's really starting to bother you. I've been home for two weeks, your Daddy was home for a week of it. We've been stuck inside all winter because it's been SO COLD. Normally winters here are mild with some really warm days in January and February. Not this year. It's been awful.

It's supposed to be warm this weekend, I can't wait! I'm taking you out for a walk. YAY!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.28.10

2010-03-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

We finished buying your summer clothes today. You're all stocked up! We also went by the hotel today and saw Velika, Kim, Christina, and Rey. They all think you're the cutest little guy ever. I think so too. :)
I have to get better at cooking dinner. After the week your Daddy stayed home with us, you're kind of demanding it. I promise I'll try harder.

That's about it for tonight.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.27.10

2010-03-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

We have cabin fever. It's been so cold this winter, I just had surgery last week, and money is tight right now. So we're a bit bored. I'm so ready for spring! Ready for walks around the neighborhood, playing in the yard.

We hung out with your Great-Grandparents today for a while, the your Grandparents and your Aunt & Uncle. Christi loves you so much. And you seem to really love her too. So I'm thinking about letting her keep you a Saturday or two. What do you think?

Well, tomorrow is going to be another day stuck inside. :( Gotta rest up!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.24.10

2010-03-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

You spent a couple of hours at your Great-Grandmama's house this afternoon. They love you so much. It's wonderful to see you developing a relationship with them. They are so important to me.

Today is one of those days I'm really enjoying being a Mom. You are a beautiful child. Not just physically, your personality is beautiful. You are such a happy person. You smile and laugh so much more that you don't. You go out of your way to make me and your Daddy smile. It makes me proud that we've built an environment for you that makes you want to smile as much as you do. It makes me feel like we're doing things right.

I've said to other people before but I'm not sure I've written it down in here. I realized when I became a Mom that, in order to raise a son I could be proud of, I had to become someone I was proud of. I'm doing it more and more each day. I hope I make you proud.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.23.10

2010-03-14T17:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written before now. I've been busy recovering. Daddy has been doing the bulk of your care the last four days. Feedings, putting you down for maps, baths, and bedtime. It has been wonderful. You've responded so well!
Here's a cute Parker story... we've taught you how to growl. Sort of. It's more like a sigh but with a growl sound. You put your head forward a bit and wiggle your eyebrows and and go 'uuuhhhaaa'. It's freaking hilarious!

You're walking everywhere, even stopping to pick things up and the standing back up.

I moved all your books today hoping you'd stop throwing them all over the floor. No suck luck. Now they're all over a different part of the den.

You're sleeping later in the morning. We've figured out how to do this. Dinner! Real, family, dinner. You were waking up so early because you were hungry!

Okay, now for the less than awesome stuff. You have a black eye, sort of. You hit yourself in the corner of the eye with your clothes basket last night when I was putting your clothes in the washer. Then tonight you fell and hit your cheek on my forehead. I was laying on my back and you were standing over me and you fell. Your cheek hit my forehead. So it looks like you have a black eye. :( I'm taking a picture of it tomorrow.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.18.10

2010-02-20T17:53:00.000-08:00

Tonight's entry is going to be short. I had my gall bladder surgery today. Everything went well. I'm pretty sore but not as bad as I expected so that's good.

You've been super affectionate the last two days. I think you could tell that I've been nervous. You've been kissing me like crazy. Thank you for being so sweet.

You're at your Grandmama and Grandaddy's house tonight so I can get some rest. Please sleep well for them.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.14.10

2010-02-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day Parker! It's your 2nd. I don't remember what we did last year. Oh yeah I do actually! Molly came over and we cooked dinner. And then we had to go to bed before we ate because dinner took to long! Funny, I'd forgotten all about that.

You're walking better every day, even trying to run at times. It's so amazing to watch you grow and change. You are changing direction more quickly. It's adorable to watch.

We finally had your one year pictures done. And again, I had to sing. I guess that's just going to be a staple of picture taking from now on.

You're babbling all the time but other than 'mama' and 'dada' you don't have a lot of words. I'm guessing that's normal.

My surgery is in four days. I'm getting a bit nervous. I'll be fine, I just hope it isn't too big a disruption for you. I won't be able to pick you up for a bit. I'm nervous about that. We're kinda close. :)

That's it for today. I hope you sleep well tonight, you didn't go right to sleep when I put you down.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.12.10

2010-02-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

The countdown is on... six days until my surgery. I'm nervous, for me and for you. Please don't think I don't love you, I just won't be able to pick you up for a bit. I'm doing this for all of us, so I can be healthier.

You'll be 13 months old tomorrow. I can't believe a year ago you were this little, tiny, helpless boy. You slept with us every night and we fed you every two hours. Now you're walking and babbling and eating people food! You love waffles and yogurt. Some days we have eggs too. Lunch is my next meal to conquer. You really do enjoy eating so I think we'll do fine.

We had you out for a long time at the hotel today. You, as usual, did beautifully. Even tired you're a charmer. Having you around gives me a glimpse of what it would be like to be a celebrity. Everyone wants to look at you and talk to you. And you always flash a smile. It makes me such a proud Mommy.

You're trying to run these days which is resulting in a lot of falls. Don't worry, you'll get it.

I'm so tired and we have a big day tomorrow. Pictures!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.8.10

2010-02-20T17:36:00.000-08:00

I'm ten days away from having surgery. I wish it was tomorrow. P, I feel so yucky. I can hardly eat. I know that the days following my surgery are going to be a bit confusing and difficult for you. Daddy is going to have to do most of your bedtime. He'll have to pick you up and hand you to me. But don't worry, it will only be temporary.

You are getting so good at walking! You can even pick up speed and chase me and your Daddy. It's adorable!

We MUST work on the sippy! I can't have you drinking out of a bottle until you're 30! It makes me feel like a bad mommy. I really want you to transition well.

I'm so sorry I'm too tired to write more. I'll be feeling better soon.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.7.10

2010-02-20T17:33:00.000-08:00

You're all over the place these days. I finally broke down and bought a baby gate to keep you out of our room. There's just too much stuff in there that can hurt you.

I have to have surgery in eleven days. They're taking out my gall bladder. It's been acting up again here lately so we decided to go on and do the surgery before you're old enough to remember it. I'm a little nervous but it will be okay.

We HAVE to start using sippys. I know you're not going to like it but I can't have you taking bottles for the rest of your life. We can do it, I know we can.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.6.10

2010-02-20T17:30:00.000-08:00

We've had a couple of bad nights with you in the last week. Waking between 8 and 9:30 crying really bad. I think you were having bad dreams about being sick. Hopefully it's over now.

You went to MacKenzie's 1st birthday party today. She kissed you again, like at your party. But again no one had a camera handy so I'm writing it down here so we don't forget.

Your hair is starting to curl, like mine. Oh P, I hope you don't have curly hair, it's so much to deal with. Though it's adorable right now.

Today is another one of Mommy's bad days. Today is the 2nd anniversary of when your big brother or sister was taken from us. I know I couldn't have you if I hadn't lost that baby and knowing that eases some of the pain.

Something else good that happened today! Your Aunt Velika felt the baby in her tummy move for the first time today. I can't wait to see if she's going to have a little girl or boy for you and MacKenzie to play with. She finds out ome month from today. I'm so excited for her!

It's late and you'll be up early.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.30.10

2010-02-20T17:21:00.000-08:00

So you're getting better, slowly. Another yucky diaper this morning. Boy did we have some drama when you got up! The electricity went out! Your Grandaddy had to come get us at 5:30 this morning. We stayed until about ten so I could wait for the house to warm back up.

I'm so exhausted from you being sick and being stuck in the house from all the snow.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.29.10

2010-02-20T17:17:00.000-08:00

You've given your Daddy and I quite a scare. You've gotten your first real stomach bug. You had horrible diarrea yesterday. You had no life this morning. Your eyes looked tired, your color was bad, and you were adamant that I, only I, hold you. You spent a couple of hours in and out of sleep. I was so scared we'd end up in the emergency room. You were so dehydrated.

We finally got you to eat some plain rice cereal with bananas. Afterward you started taking bottles again. Half formula and half pedialyte. We thought you were in the clear until late this afternoon. Another wet poop. Now you have horrible diaper rash. It looks like someone beat your bottom with a belt. It looks so angry.

I'm hoping that you'll be better in the morning. It's snowing. Really snowing. I want to take you out and let you experience snow for the first time. I've already taken lots of pictures for you but I want you to see it for yourself.

I'll write more tomorrow night, these last two days have worn me thin. I'm afraid I feel a migrane coming on.:(

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.23.10

2010-02-20T17:08:00.000-08:00

We went to your cousin Carson's birthday party today. There were a bunch of kids so I figure you'll be sick by morning. :( I just sort of have a feeling.

There's lots going on right now, not all good. I'm waiting to write more in here until I know more.

You're walking really well. You laugh and smile pretty much all the time. It's great. You make me so proud.

It's been a long day so I need to get some rest.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.20.10

2010-02-20T17:04:00.000-08:00

It's official, you're walking. You're going from the den to the kitchen a lot. You are steadier on your feet each time you walk. I can't believe how fast it's all happened.

Wish Mommy luck tomorrow. I have to have some tests run to see if my gall bladder is bad enough to remove. I don't necessarily want to have surgery but I'm tired of having belly problems.

Lots to do tomorrow and I'm really tired tonight. I'll write more when I know more.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.18.10

2010-02-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

You had your one year check up today. You're 29 3/4 inches long and 23 lbs 3 oz. A far cry from my 20 in, 7.7 1/2 lb baby. You're developing exactly on shcedule. You're taking lots of steps on your own. You walked from the coffee table almost to the tv by yourself today. BIG BOY!

Things are about to change drastically here soon... We're going to try dairy again. You need to be totally off the bottle in six weeks and then we get started on giving up the paci.

There will be some bumps in the road along the way. We'll get through it though. It's all part of being a big boy.

I'm so proud of you. You are the best little guy in the world!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.15.10

2010-02-19T17:19:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is your birthday party! I have so much work to do but I'm going to bed soon so I'm rested for the festivities. Hopefully you won't wake at some ungodly hour in the morning.

I'm writing to let you know that you're taking more and more steps now. Three or four at a time. It's amazing. Not six months ago you were just learning to sit unassisted. You are simply amazing. You grow and learn more and more each day.

You still aren't sure about your Grandpa Billy, or PawPaw, or Papa, whatever he choses to be called in a given moment. I think that's part of the problem.

Its only a couple of more days. There is so much going on with you right now that it's probably hard to add a new parson to the mix, that's what I'm thinking anyway.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.13.10

2010-02-19T17:14:00.000-08:00

It's your first birthday. I cannot believe we've made it this far. There's still a part of me that's afraid you'll be taken from me. I know that's 'crazy mommy'. I don't like being afraid of those things but they're there.

So on to the good stuff... You're growing more and more brave every day. Crawling off without me or your Daddy. Constantly exploring. I've had to velcro the kitchen cabinets closed so you can't smash your fingers.

You're standing unassisted for minutes now. You're so close to walking. I'm in no rush. Take your time. :)

I love you so much. Your Daddy and I have been talking all day about what we were doing this time last year.

Right now it's 9:45 pm. My epidural (the medicine that made labor not hurt) had stopped working. In that moment, I just wanted the pain to stop. It was frightening how bad I hurt. In retrospect, the pain was completely worth it. I was completely present for your birth. I felt everything in those last two and a half hours. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

You were totally alert from the moment you were born. Making sounds and eye contact. You were perfect.

You still are.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.11.10

2010-02-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

Not a lot going on today aside from preparations for your party. Mom and I went and bought plates and balloons for your party. Invitations are being recieved, we're ordering your cake on Wednesday. Your Grandpa Billy arrives tomorrow night. We had the carpets cleaned today. There's still so much to be done!

As always, it will all work out. You are growing and becoming more wonderful by the day and that's all that counts.

You're taking steps unassisted. One here, two there. Not technically 'walking' yet but it's enough for me. You're moving so quickly these days.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.9.10

2010-02-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

P, I don't think anyone could ever be more in love with a person as I am you. As the end of your first year draws nearer, I realize that I am so amazed at the person you're becoming. You're intelligent and independent, and kind. You are already a kind child. When the people in your life are having bad days, you are so affectionate. It's surprising to me the empathy you already seem to have.

I am so proud of you at every moment. You make all of my days better. I have made my peace with your need to wake up before the sun. I'd rather you sleep in but if this works better for you then we'll do it.

I love you so much. I'm trying to remember every little thing and I'm sure so much is getting forgotten. It's hard to keep up with you. You're growing so quickly.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.7.10

2010-02-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I didn't copy that email in here. I added it to your blog though.

In less than one week, you'll be my big boy! One year old! I'm so proud of you. Looking over this last year, how you've grown into the sweetest, silliest, most compassionate little guy. I really do love every day I have with you.

I do have one favor to ask though, STOP waking up at 3am. Sheesh! Stay asleep! Okay, rant over. :)

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.5.10

2010-02-19T10:49:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a short entry. I'm just writing to say that I'll copy here an email I sent to your Aunt Kristen tomorrow.

I'm having some sad days recently. Lots to do with you no longer being my 'baby' after the 13th.

Here is the email:
I have the feeling a lot of the things I'm going to say in this may not make sense to you but you're my best friend. I need to say them somewhere and I know you'll listen. I'm so sad today. I spent the day cleaning Parker's room. Taking out the old toys and clothes he doesn't need anymore, preparing some for storage for *hopefully* the next baby and others for donation. I remember where I was today last year and today the year before that. I'll start with the year before...

We had just broken the news on Christmas Eve to the family that I was pregnant. So freaked out and excited. I couldn't believe that I had gotten pregnant in the first place and on the first try in the second. I was so filled with dreams and hopes and wondering what the baby would look like, how big my belly would get. I had almost constant heartburn and my boobs hurt so bad that I couldn't even look at them. I was *so* excited. I was having a hard time making the transition from 'bar' Allison to expectant mother. I was bored and sickish and excited. I was trying to keep my single friends. In less than a month later I'd find out that I could go back to the bar. That I could smoke again. That all of my hopes were dashed. There are certain days that are especically difficult. The fourth of Febuary, when I found out that the heartbeat was gone. The sixth of that month, when I essentially had to have an abortion because my body didn't want to give up the baby. The twenty-eighth of August when 'clyde' was supposed to be born. I know that I wouldn't have what I have now if I hadn't miscarried but it doesn't lessen the pain of knowing that I had *someone* inside me. Someone with a heartbeat. Someone that I was expecting to have a life ahead of them. I've heard all the lame consolations... 'It wasn't meant to happen. The baby might have been sick.. At least you know you can get pregnant.' All of those things are hurtful and throw the fact that I couldn't sustain that pregnancy in my face. I'm not looking for explanations anymore. There simply aren't any. So that was year before last. And I'm still sad some days because of it.

Then last year... This time last year I was literally days before delivering. I was HUGE. I was uncomfortable. Parker was a mover and a shaker. He used to rub his heel back and forth just under my ribcage for hours. I could feel him stretch and struggle to get comfortable. He was always happiest when I was poking at him. We used to play this game where he'd stick out a limb and I'd push it back. We would do it for forever. I was so ready to meet him but at the same time I had this sick feeling that even being 39 weeks pregnant I still wouldn't get to have a baby. It's a fear that only a woman who has miscarried has I think. I would go in his room and rearrange stuff and refold clothes because I felt like that's what I was 'supposed' to do. I would watch law and order for hours and nap and read the twilight books. I think I stayed in bed for days at a time. Oh and how I ate. Mom took me to all my favorite restaurants in the two weeks before Parker.

Now flash to this year. I have only days left with my baby. Next week he'll be my toddler. I'm not ready to have a toddler. I want him to be little and snuggly still. The hours fly by these days. A countdown I'm not looking forward to ending. I want a baby. I want Parker to still be my baby. He's needing me less and less these days. He is happiest playing alone now. Not games with mommy in her belly anymore. It's banging on the coffee table with whatever toys he has at hand. He's more and more mobile. He's now taking a step unassisted to other furnature. I think I misspelled that.

I can't believe that I've been through what I have in the last two years. I am so defined by both pregnancies. I have a pregnant friend right now and I feel like I just can't let go and breathe until she gets past thirteen weeks. I'm so worried for her, I know what can happen. Both good and bad. I'm so conflicted right now. I want to cry for so many different reasons. Some happy and some sad.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.4.10

2010-02-19T10:43:00.000-08:00

I got the year right tonight... it's so strange to be in a new year. I look back on the one past and there's just so much. My life has become so full, so rich. A lot of my time last year was spent worrying whether or not I was a good enough Mom, if I was doing everything right...

This year will be spent much the same but I feel that I have a little experience now so the worries about being a bad Mom feel slightly less. Oh I'll still worry about it but I'm learning to trust myself more. And to follow your lead more at times. You just happen to know more about being a baby than I remember. :)

In the coming months, we'll be weaning formula, bottles, and baby food. I'm nervous but excited. You're getting so big! This time next year I hope to be explaining to you that you'll be a big brother. We just have to get your Daddy on board...

It's late and you're still insisting on waking up at or before 5 am. I love you so much. In less than ten days I'll have a toddler! I'm so proud of you!!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.3.10

2010-02-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

In ten days you'll be a year old. It's gone so quickly. You've grown so much. I wish I had some great profound things to say to you about your hitting the one year mark but I don't. Some days have been hard and long. Some have been fun and full of new experiences and passed too quickly.

You're still getting up insanely early. I'm just getting used to it I guess. Maybe one day you'll sleep until a more appropriate time.

I'm waiting on all of the things for your party. I have to order your cake next week.

I'm tired and will be getting up between four and five am.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.1.10

2010-02-19T07:30:00.000-08:00

We entered a new year today, a new decade. Life is all so new to you. I don't think you can truly appreciate the passage of time.

For me, it is measured out in hours spent with you and hours spent without.

We've had two bad bedtimes in the last two days. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be easier. I so desperately need it to be.

I need all the coming days to be easier but I doubt that wish is going to be granted. Your father and I have some hard times ahead. I promised you earlier that we'd always be together and I have no intention of breaking that promise.

When you get older, you and I are going to have a candid, possibly uncomfortable conversation about how to be a husband. I hope you'll listen to me. I have a bit of experience.

I love you more than the law should allow and I'm so proud of you!

By the way, you cut another tooth overnight. It is the one on the left beside your front tooth.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.30.09

2010-01-19T19:27:00.000-08:00

You took your first step tonight! It was from the coffee table to me! I'm so excited! And scared, when you figure out you can do this all the time there will be no stopping you!

I told you last night we'd talk about Christmas... You had a huge one, tons of toys from your Aunt, Grandparents, and Great Grandparents. We did it all on Christmas Eve this year. Next year we'll do Christmas Eve and then Christmas morning separate. You, as usual, were awesome.

We spent the morning at the hotel, visiting friends and taking pictures and then went to your Grandparent's in the evening.

I love you so much. I'm so proud of you.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.29.09

2010-01-19T19:13:00.001-08:00

I remember exactly where I was this time last year... here, in bed. You were growing like a weed in my belly. I was so big and so uncomfortable. I'm so glad to have you here and healthy and safe. There's a part of me that really misses being pregnant with you. I never really let myself believe that you'd actually be here. I was so unhappy during my pregnancy with you. I felt like every day I dared you to live. And you were determined to be with me. I wish I'd taken more time to enjoy you. I remember feeling you move inside me, it was absolutely the most beautiful feeling I'd ever felt. I miss it SO MUCH. If I could keep you safe inside me until you were grown... But you were grown, as grown as you could get inside me.

This time next year I want to be starting the journey all over again. I hope we'll be able to be there.

I meant to talk about your Christmas in this entry. Perhaps I'll talk about it tomorrow.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.21.09

2009-12-26T19:37:00.001-08:00

It's getting harder and harder to write. I'm so wiped at the end of every day. You're doing so much lately! You're pulling up on everything. Chairs, tables, toys that aren't made for pulling up on.

You're developing a horrible habit of trying to get places that I don't want you to go-like the end table between the couch and recliner. Why?? I think it's just to make me crazy.

You hate baby food meat but you've eaten sliced turkey for the last two days. You love it. I bought you some soy cheese. You hate that. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. Maybe melt some on some noodles.

You are still getting up at about 4:30 every morning. I'm still not really happy with that. I don't really have a choice though.

I'll write more later, I'm beat!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.13.09

2009-12-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

You're eleven months old. Only one month away from your first birthday. I have to tell you, it's bittersweet. I never thought I'd have you. I'm so proud you're getting big but at the same time it's hard to have you needing me less and less.

You're beautiful and smart. You're so engaging. Even strangers fall in love with you. It's so beautiful to watch you grow. I'm excited but I want you to slow down so I don't miss a thing. Being a mommy is so full of opposites... wanting you to grow and learn and wishing it wasn't all happening so fast.

You almost took a step today. You pulled up on the recliner and turned toward the coffee table. You let go and started to take a step. Lost your balance and ended up on your bottom. You were so close. I almost cried.

You're still having trouble with meat. I'm not quite sure what to do. No worries, we'll get it figured out.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.11.09

2009-12-26T19:24:00.001-08:00

Ack. Sleep. Please.

You're either waking up at 1 am and not wanting to go back down or still getting up at 4:30. You seem to need less and less sleep. It's making me SO TIRED. I'm still hoping it's teething as the teeth on either side of your top fronts have yet to break through.

On a really exciting (and scary for me) note, you're now letting go when you pull up. It seemed to take you forever to learn how to crawl and now you're flying through the milestones!
I've got to go, it's bedtime!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.08.09

2009-12-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

It has been too long again since I've written. I'm so far behind posting all this on your blog.

You slept until 5:30 this morning. You woke up at 1 am for some reason though. Your Daddy gave you a bottle and you went right back down.

You gave your Daddy a black eye on Saturday. You two were playing and you accidentally kicked him in the eye. It's sort of funny but it really hurt him. Ouch!

You also learned to pull up this weekend. Now you're even letting go and standing on your own a bit. All in less than a week!

I promise I'll try to write more tomorrow.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.03.09

2009-12-26T19:20:00.000-08:00

Having those two teeth through has helped your mood TONS! You were silly today. You laughed a lot at bedtime. You have such a great sense of humor!

Sleep... You woke up at 3:30 this morning losing your mind. I think your room is too cold. We're trying leaving your bedroom door open tonight to see if that helps. I'm really running out of ideas. If this doesn't have you sleeping later we're going back to a big portion of cereal at bedtime. That's all I know to do.

I love you so much. We're going backwards in terms of your sleep. It's hard for your Daddy and I. We're so tired. Please, please sleep tonight.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.02.09

2009-12-26T19:17:00.000-08:00

We have teeth! Well, sort of... Your front two teeth have both broken through your gums. You were in a much better mood today.

We put you down at 7:30 last night, you slept until 4:50 this morning. So I guess we'll be moving your bedtime back to 8 or 8:30. I'm not particularly excited about this... but, it will allow you to be up for dinner with us It just totally gets rid of the hour or two of adult time your Daddy and I a day. Oh well, if it helps you sleep later in the morning, I guess it's worth it.

I can't believe you're almost 11 months old. You're getting so big. I'm excited for you but you're just growing up way too fast! You're crawling really well and starting to figure out pulling up. Wow.

I never thought I'd be here, married, a wonderful son... I have to tell you , I am the happiest I've ever been. It's spilling over into every part of my life, I even enjoy work more. Even as tired as I am sometimes, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you so much it brings tears to my eyes. I really am the luckiest girl in the world.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.01.09

2009-12-26T19:11:00.000-08:00

I wish these teeth would come in! Your poor gums look so bad! Your top left front tooth has broken through. The right one is starting to break the gum in one spot. The outside two... oh goodness, they look like a war zone. Poor thing... I'm hoping when those nasty things come through you'll sleep later in the mornings.

I'm a little frustrated with your Grandparents. There's a tiny possibility, and I mean tiny, that I could get a better job. If I did, I'd have to put you in daycare at least two days a week. The possibility is so small I shouldn't be upset. I just hoped I'd have more support... Eh, whatever. We'll figure it out if something happens. But if you know to wish for things, wish for this to happen for Mommy. It would mean so much to me, that the last 12 years of my life haven't been wasted, workwise.

That's all for tonight!

I love you Parker!

Mommy

11.30.09

2009-12-26T19:03:00.000-08:00

And we're back to sleep! Good grief son! You're napping well, that's not the problem. You've been waking up at 4;30 am every morning for the last three or four weeks. It is killing me. Absolutely wearing me down. I've tried changing a couple of things... different diaper, moving your monitor-the light on it is really bright. And not letting you go down until after seven. I'm pushing your bedtime back to 7:30 tomorrow.

In less stressful news, or maybe more, you're learning to pull up! I'm excited for you! I guess walking isn't too far off. That makes me so nervous. You'll be into everything then. But it shows that you're growing up and getting stronger!

I'm trying to sneak some meat in, you aren't liking that. But you have to eat meat! I don't know how to cook vegeterian! :)

We'll figure all this out. I hope before I lose my mind.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.29.09

2009-12-26T18:59:00.001-08:00

We celebrated your first Thanksgiving on Thursday (11.26). You ate lima beans and turkey.

You still haven't gotten those top two teeth yet. I'm giving up that you'll get them before 11 months. I'm just going to try to keep you happy.

You're still getting up at 4:30 am. This is NOT OKAY. You have to sleep later, you're killing me!

I'll write more tomorrow, it's bedtime.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.23.09

2009-12-22T19:08:00.000-08:00

Your gums are still fighting against those teeth! I'm hoping at least one will cut through by in the morning. That will relieve some of the pressure. Hopefully.

Your Daddy and I have some co-workers going through a difficult time. Their baby was born last night but he has a hole in one of his lungs. So now is the time that we need to send all our good thoughts to them. They need them so much.

It makes me so aware of how lucky I am to have you- perfect and healthy. We may be having some small problems, but you are perfect. We'll get the meat thing figured out.

I just want you to know that I love you more than the universe is big... And you make me proud every day!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.22.09

2009-12-22T19:02:00.001-08:00

You're still trying to cut all of your top front teeth. They're getting closer to coming through. I'll be so glad when they're in. You're a bit of a grouch these days.

You learned to sit yourself up this week and you're crawling on your hands and knees a lot more lately.

I'll write more tomorrow!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.19.09

2009-12-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

There's so much going on right now. Good things and bad. And I feel like I need to tell you all of them. We'll start with the good.

You're getting more and more mobile. And you've learned to sit up by yourself. You're also currently trying to cut four teeth! That's right, FOUR! I think, at times, you're a bit of an overachiever! :)

So now, the not so good... Lots of my friends- your baby friends- are having problems in their marriages. So much talk of divorce. Nattalie, Shannon and Jay's daughter, is going to grow up with only a Mom. Aunt Melissa has had problems recently. Another friend of mine, Michele, is considering divorcing her husband. And your Aund Christi is having to deal with the possibility as well...

I promise you, no matter what happens between your Daddy and I, we will always be here for you. Together. We meant it when we said forever. And not that we have you, we mean it even more. We promised each other that wo would bear each other's burdens, that we would lift each other up, that we would always respect each other, and nost importantly we would always remember that we love each other.

I'm so glad that you will never have to bear the burden of a broken home. Your father and I are so lucky to have each other and we know it. And we make each other aware of it every day. We are doubly lucky to have you.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.12.09

2009-12-22T18:52:00.000-08:00

I keep forgetting things here... Things you do that get lost in the day to day. You talk SO MUCH. And you chirp. I can't explain it, it's a version of your 'motor' sound but really hight pitched. You do it when you're having fun and happy. You hum yourself to sleep at naptime. It's more like an 'aaahhhh' sound but you do it as you're falling asleep during the day.

Your favorite toy right now is an empty water bottle with beans in it. Oh and your Jumperoo. You'll jump and jump and jump until you're bouncing with your head resting on the top of the seat.

You refuse to crawl in the traditional sense. You army-crawl or roll everywhere. You spread your toys all over the den floor.

It's late and I'm sleepy.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.11.09

2009-12-22T18:49:00.000-08:00

Parker, I love you son, but I'm so tired. Getting up at 5 am isn't working for me. I feel myself aging more and more every day. It's getting hard to play with you because I'm so exhausted. You're going to have to start sleeping for an extra hour.... I could do 6 am. But not 5. I've lived half a day before I even get to work. And I have to be on my toes at work. My attentiveness and personality keep you fed. If I'm asleep in the corner we're all going to starve.

I'm starting to push your bedime back to see if that will get you to sleep later. I don't have much hope though, honestly. I suppose I'm just going to have to adjust. And drink LOTS of coffee.

I love you so much but I'm frustrated and I feel like it's interfering with my care for you. I'm just exhausted.

I love you so... I'm so tired.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.09.09

2009-12-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

I've been awful about writing to you lately- so much has been going on. Like I said in my last entry- you jumped off my bed. You weren't hurt, you even smiled.

We had a Halloween party for you- Melissa & MacKensie, Amanda & Aidan, Shannon, Jay, & Nattalie came plus your Grandmama and Grandaddy were there too! It was tons of fun.

You got your first cold/ear infection the next day. You cried all day Sunday. It was so sad. I didn't know what to do. I felt awful. we took you to the doctor on Monday and got your first prescription. Then I got sick and spent Tuesday and Wednesday in bed. :(

We're both getting better every day.

Your Grandmama does a craft sale every year. It was this past Saturday. We stayed all day- you were awesome. You got to see several of your Great-great Aunts. I'm so glad you get to see them.

Naps are pretty good. A little inconsistent but you're at least in your bed. It's great.

We're going to start moving your bedtime back. You're getting up at 5 am every day and that's TOO EARLY! I'd love it if you'd sleep until 7 but I can compromise- we're shooting for 6.

I think I hear you moving around in your room. Time to play!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.27.09

2009-12-22T18:29:00.000-08:00

We've had quite an eventful week. On Sunday you jumped off my bed. You had the biggest smile on your face... as if to say, 'Look what I just did!' It scared me to death.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.22.09

2009-10-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

You're sleeping peacefully and I'm up alone. Your Daddy had a going-away party to attend. I chose to stay home instead of trying to find someone to sit here while you slept.

I realize that I've shared so much about you in these pages but little about myself. Perhaps I should tell you more about me... about where I am in all of this. I'll try tonight.

Who am I? Good grief, that's a question I don't even know how to start answering. I am your Mom. I am your Daddy's wife. I am so much- so little. I used to love to sing. I still do but I'm realizing it's not a paid job... no big checks rolling in for the number of times I sing 'itzy-bitzy spider'. :)

I don't mind because its for you. But we're getting off the subject, tonight is about me. I'm passionate, when I believe in someone or something I'd fight almost to the death for them/it. Like you, I dared you to keep growing inside me but now I'd die the worst, most painful death to make sure you smile more days than you don't. But again, I digress...

I'm quick to be sharp tounged. I don't mean to be mean, it's just the way I ended up. I promise, I'll always take pause before I say hurtful things to you... I'm learning patience and to hold my tounge these days.

I am matter-of-fact. If you don't knock your eyes out bumping your head on something, don't expect a big show. You'll be fine. I'll kiss your boo-boos and hold your hand when your feelings get hurt but we'll move on.

I am loving. I can smother one with the amount of love I can have for them. I'm sure you'll feel the full effect of this. When I decide that it's alright to love someone. I LOVE them. I'm kind of an all-or-nothing girl.

This didn't turn out the way I'd hoped... I'll try harder in coming entries to let you know more of me, not just me with you. But the girl/woman I am individual of you.

I guess that's where I'm going wrong. I don't see you and I as separate yet. So all of the things I try to tell you about me are going to relate to you.

If I could keep you in my belly until you're grown I might try.... I just want you safe and happy.

Aah, I'm a bit of a mess over you, I suppose its allowed. :)
I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.21.09

2009-10-22T19:25:00.000-07:00

We went to your first funeral today. They're not fun. I'm hoping you don't have to go to another one for a LONG time. You were, as usual, absolutely wonderful. You do so well in public. I'm so glad I made the decision to take you out a lot. You seem to be so in love with your Aunt Christi. She loves it. I do too. :)

Your crawling is slowly but surely improving and you're beginning to notice tables and act like you are trying to figure out how to pull up. Hopefully you won't be in a hurry to learn that new skill, we still need to do some baby-proofing.

Going to the funeral today made me realize I don't want one. I don't want you to ever have to sit in some poorly decorated room filled with gaudy flower arrangements staring at my dead body. I want to be creamated. I want you to have a party to remember how much fun I was to have around. I don't want you to hurt. And I don't want someone who, probably, barely knows me spouting off about what a perfect person I was. Instead, tell stories about the time I whipped your butt in front of all your friends because you backtalked me and of how I never was a really great cook but you appreciated the effort...whatever. Just don't cry. I won't leave until you can handle it. I promise.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.20.09

2009-10-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

Lots of things to cover tonight. I'll try to do them in the order they happened. One of your Great-Grandmothers passed away on Sunday. You had never met her. She is your Grandaddy's Mother. She had alzheimers for years. It is never good when someone dies but it was her time. We're going to her funeral in the morning.

You had your nine month check-up on Monday. You weigh 21 lbs 12 oz and are 28 and 3/4 inches long. You're getting so big! Dr. Wells says your verbal skills are a little ahead for your age... I could have told her that! :) We've developed a little problem ****left out purposely for Parker's privacy****

You are pretty consistently in twelve month clothes now. It has worked out perfectly because it has been unseasonably cool this fall and all your long sleeves and pants are the right size. Yay!

Today, you had your nine month pictures done. Ameila did them again, she's awesome. You made me sing for your smiles again! I think you like embarrassing me in public! :) Singing 'Mr. Sun' in a photography studio is nothing like singing for friends at a party! But as much as we listen to music and sing at home and in the car, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd want it in public too.

We had a little mishap at the end of your pictures. You were sitting on some blocks and fell off. Oh my, how you cried. No real damage done, we all sort of tried to catch you. I think your Daddy broke most of your fall. It scared you pretty bad though. Lots of tears.

I think that's all for today.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.17.09

2009-10-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

You've gone on yet another strike.... You're refusing to nap now. What the heck Parker?! You did so well switching from your bed for naps, you were even falling asleep more quickly! Now I'm lucky to get ab hour and a half out of you. That's down from three and sometimes three and a half hours. This is not good. You're cranky and whiny in the afternnoon but you just won't sleep.

I was just about to push your bedtime back and now I'm having to put you down earlier! We're going backward. :(

I'm planning on giving you more veggies at lunch tomorrow. You're taking your formula well again so I feel pretty comfortable giving you more for lunch. How about we make a trade, you sleep better and I'll give you more veggies?

Enough with my complaining, I love you and even on less than perfect days I'm happy to have you in my life.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.12.09

2009-10-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

The time is passing so quickly these days! You'll be nine months old tomottow. I just can't believe it. You'll be out as long as you were in my belly. Strange... But good. :)

You're getting closer to crawling every day. You're getting around just fine with your rolling-inchworm-armycrawl but I can see the actual crawling on your hands and knees coming just any time now.

You still only have your bottom two teeth. I would have thought for sure you would have gotten at least one of your top teeth by now. I'm not worried, you'll get them all soon enough.

We took you to a pumpkin patch today. You got four pumpkins! You seemed to really like watching the animals and you loved the hayride. You are such a fun little guy! We got great pictures!

That's all for tonight!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.07.09

2009-10-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

I was riding in my car this afternoon a little high on the changing of seasons. I was singing to my favorite Patty Griffin songs and I remembered a dream I used to have- to sing. When I sing I feel like my soul is free from all the worries and stresses of the day to day. I feel pure and whole. There was a time I 'thought' I was going to have the opportunity to do it as a job. A side job, once a week. But just the idea that I was good enough for someone to offer that to me was amazing.

I think about you and what I thought I could do and they aren't the same. In order for me to have you and be the mother I want to be, I can't sing as a job. And for a minute I was sad about it... Until I thought about what I have now. I have you. And when I think back to as early as I can remember wanting something, I wanted you. A child. My child.

So we'll sing together. You'll learn all the words to the songs I love and all the ones your Daddy loves and we'll all sing together.

I'll have the best of both worlds. Singing and my son. It will be perfect.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.05.09

2009-10-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

So dairy didn't go as planned... On Friday you had some blood in your poop. :( So no more dairy for you for up to six months. Oh well, we tried.

You're working so hard on crawling! I think you'll get it soon. You're getting up on your knees a lot but you seem to want to tuck one arm under yourself.

You've been a little whiny the past two days and your top gums look a *little* different. Are we going to have some more teeth soon?

Your naps in your bed are going SO WELL! I'm rocking you completely to sleep before putting you in your bed, which is something we're going to have to work on. I want to get you acclimated to sleeping in your room first. It's progress and that makes me proud.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.01.09

2009-10-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

So far dairy isn't upsetting your tummy... Hopefully things will stay that way.

You're still working on crawling. It's a slow process. All of the wriggling around you're doing trying to get it figured out is really adorable! I'm afraid you're going to have a short temper like me... You get frustrated easily.

Your little teeth are still working their way in. I got pictures of them yesterday! They turned out so well! YAY!

Naps in your bed are going EXTREMELY well. I'm having to rock you to sleep and then put you in your bed but you're staying asleep so that's GREAT!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.29.09

2009-10-07T18:06:00.000-07:00

We had another great day today. You didn't take an afternoon nap but you were in a great mood anyway. I couldn't believe it!

Your little teeth are still working their way in. Your right one is really visible, your left one I have to still look for.

We're getting closer to crawling! I'm not sure how I feel about it... I want you to but you're growing up so fast! You're going backward right now so forward isn't too far off. :)

We re-started dairy again today. I'm nervous. I don't want to hurt your little belly. Right after I fed you the yogurt you had a big poop. I don't know if it was because of the dairy or you just had to poo... We'll watch it really closely for the next couple of days.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.27.09

2009-10-07T18:01:00.000-07:00

Your other bottom tooth came in on Friday! I can see them both! They're really slow coming all the way in. I don't know if they're supposed to come in fast or not.

We did *pretty* good with naps in bed today. You took two, short ones. I'll take it!

You're trying to crawl more and more each day. You're getting up on your hands and knees and going backward. It's so cute! I can't wait to chase you around once you're moving forward!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.24.09

2009-09-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today is your Grandaddy's 61st birthday. He loves you so much and is so proud of you! I hope that you get to have him and your Grandmama around as long as I've had mine.

That little tooth of yours is coming in more and more each day. It's slow but making progress! Yay!

Now for the serious stuff... You have changed me. Having you in my life has filled a hole I don't think I even knew I had. Before you I was angry a lot. And I thought that was just how I was. I was loud and rash... And mean at times. I hurt people I cared about and made choices that were so less than right.

People around me have noticed the way you've changed me even. I'm more calm and understanding and something I never was before- forgiving. Having you in my life has changed the way I look at the world. I'm still loud, that will never change, but I laugh loudly now instead of yelling loudly.

I could have never come to the person I am now without you in my life. I want to say Thank You.

Thank you for picking me to be your Mommy. Thank you for being a sweet, silly, loving little boy. Thank you for being stubborn and giving me a dose of my own medicine. Thank you for being you.

As always, I am so proud of you. I am so grateful to have you in my life. You've made me a better person, a better wife to your Daddy, and I think, a better Mom than I thought I could be.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.22.09

2009-09-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

I've finally pressured your father into writing to you. You need to know how he feels... And how proud he is of you.

I'm going to try my best to keep him writing. I think it will be an amazing gift from him, especially because he works a lot.

You're rolling around a lot!!! You're trying to crawl, though you go backwards a good deal. You're making such progress!

I tried enforcing naps in your bed today. It did not go well. It's my fault that I've let this go on so long so I have to deal with the fact that you don't understand.

We will get it though, and when we do, it will be great for the both of us.

I love you so much it's hard to catch my breath some days.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.21.09

2009-09-24T18:25:00.001-07:00

That little tooth is working so hard to come in. I think in a couple of days it will be all the way through.

You're saying 'mama' a lot now. I love it!! On the whole you are really babbling tons. And you've started blowing bubbles again.

We're still working on crawling. You're doing so well! You roll side to side a lot and you're getting up on your knees some.

I'm so proud of you!! Great job P!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.20.09

2009-09-24T18:23:00.001-07:00

We have an exciting development... You're getting your first tooth!!! It broke through yesterday. Well, we got up and you had it. We can almost see it today. I can see it but your Daddy was just barely able to make it out this evening.

This comes with mixed feelings, like with every other first, I'm so excited but at the same time a part of me begs you to slow down. I think this is something I'll feel with every thing you do.

You're working really hard on crawling. Getting up on your knees a lot and even going backwards sometimes. Again, I'm excited but realize how quickly time is passing.

Oh, I forgot to say which tooth! Your bottom right one is coming in. You're being a champ! Still sleeping through the night.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.16.09

2009-09-19T17:35:00.001-07:00

You're reaching out for people now. Showing your preference for people. You've moved from saying 'dada' to 'nana'...

Your Grandmama doesn't want to be called 'nana' so I'm hoping you're just replacing the 'm' with 'n'.

You're starting to learn how to crawl. I took some awesome video today! YAY!

Still no teeth yet. I've given up on that. Hopefully you'll have some by the time you start school. :)

I've re-introduced solids at bedtime and you seem to be doing well. When you're crawling you can go back to three meals a day.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.15.09

2009-09-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

You, my little tiny dream, are eight months old! I feel like time is slipping through my fingers like sand. It's all moving so quickly now. At first the days were so long, spent wondering how long you were going to sleep, when would you want to eat next, when was this dream going to come to some painful end...

The whole time I carried you, I waited for the other shoe to drop... For it to end in the cruel joke my last pregnancy had. And then you were actually born. I was in disbelief- I acutally had a baby? The thing that I've wanted my whole life had actually come to fruition?

When we brought you home, I waited for the call- you weren't mine, something terrible...

You're here! Still! And you're growing and becoming more amazing every day! I have finally breathed that sigh of relief I've so waited for...

You're almost a year old- you still have time but every day feels shorter. It's hard to explain... As you grow up some things will seem to take an eternity to you- waiting for Christmas, a year of school. But when you look back it will all have passed in the blink of an eye.

I love you so very much, SO VERY MUCH. I am proud of you every day- even the day you scared us all and refused to eat. I will be proud of you on your first day of school and you don't want anyone to see me kiss you with tears in my eyes. I will be proud of you on the day you say you hate me and that I don't understand... I will always be proud of you. I will always stand behind you and I will always strive to be the best mother to you and to be a better person for you.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.12.09

2009-09-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

Today was so much better in terms of your eating. I promised you this morning if you'd take all of your bottles without complaint, I'd give you a tiny bit of cereal at bedtime. You held up your end of the deal beautifully. You even ate plain cereal without fussing. And THEN drank six full ounces of formula! Way to go P!

I didn't start naps in your room today because I wanted the focus to be on your eating. I was really torn about that decision but I felt like I made the right one.

Daddy will be home with us tomorrow so there's no turning back. I hate that I let my wants come before your needs for so long but tomorrow we begin to change that.

Tomorrow will be hard but we've gotten through all the previous hard days. I'm excited to see the day that naps aren't all I talk about.

I'm making this change because I love you, know that.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.11.09

2009-09-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today is a terrible day in America's history. When you're older we'll talk about it.

You must have felt it... you had a horrible day. You refused to eat and ended up having to go to the doctor.

I hope tomorrow is better.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.10.09

2009-09-12T17:28:00.000-07:00

I had your 'Aunt Molly' cut my hair tonight. I hope it doesn't upset you... It's so much shorter that you've ever seen.

You are really not liking not having your cereal at beditme. I know it upsets you but it's something we have to do- your formula is more important right now. I'm thinking about starting to give you a tiny bit at bedtime this weekend... we'll see.

I'm nervous about Saturday. It's going to be a long, hard day for the both of us but we can do it. It's time for you to nap in your bed. Thankfully, Daddy will be home on Sunday so I don't lose my resolve.

This is the best for all of us, you have to understand that. It is going to help you be stronger and more independent. Things you'll need when you're bigger.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.09.09

2009-09-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

Your Daddy did bedtime tonight. It did NOT go well. I think you might have been overtired. A situation that would have been okay if I was here but with your regular routine disrupted by having someone else do it was just too much... I went to see a friend who had a baby yesterday in the hospital.

I have some rather distressing news for you... Saturday is THE DAY. I'm putting you in your room for naps and we're not looking back. It will be difficult but we'll get through it. You need time away from me and I need time away from you. This does not mean in any way I love you any less. I love you enough to finally come to terms with the fact that this just isn't workng anymore. I'm nervous but determined.

You are amazing and resilliant, this will work.

I love you Parker!

Mommy

9.08.09

2009-09-12T17:16:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to talk your Daddy into writing to you. He's scared. He's worried that he won't have enough to talk about. I think I have him almost won. :)

I'm frustrated today. I'm angry at this world... there are so many people out there selling hate and trying to divide people it's just silly.

I'll talk more about it tomorrow...

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.07.09

2009-09-12T17:13:00.000-07:00

We took you to the zoo for the first time today. You seemed to enjoy it, you took a little nap while we were there. I took lots of pictures of the animals for you.

You're refusing formula more and more. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow, again. I can't let you go to just food yet, you're not ready. You still NEED your formula. So I'm hoping they won't make us come in but they can tell me what to do.

Naps. Naps. Naps. I'm not even going to bring it up tonight.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.04.09

2009-09-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

You're almost eight months old. Again, I can't believe how big you're getting. Your Grandaddy weighed you the other day- over 21 pounds!

We're having a problem though, you don't want your bottles anymore. You still have four months more on formula. I'm not willing to let you give that up yet.

I think I might be ready to start naps in your bed with you. I'm going to make your Daddy help me through the first two days though.

I promise it's not that I don't love you- it's like having you sleep in your bed at night. You NEED to learn how to do this. It'll only be scary for a minute.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.03.09

2009-09-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

So the bad days are over and I can focus on the three of us again. You've perfected your 'dada' and now it's become 'dede' sometimes. So cute! Eventually you'll say 'mama'. Probably by the time you're ten or so. I don't think you're ever going to get your teeth either!

I was so convinced it was happening on vacation. You're refusing formula a lot now but your gums aren't swollen anymore. You're even drooling less! You're fussy more but that's it.

Your 'Aunt Kristen' is coming in day after tomorrow. I'm pretty excited.

That's it for today.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.27.09

2009-08-29T18:45:00.001-07:00

You started saying 'dada' yesterday. I'm so proud of you. I'm always so proud. I love you so much. You have been the greatest gift I could have ever been given. Don't ever, for a moment, think that you aren't the most wonderful, perfect little boy in the world to me. Soon, I'll be telling you how proud I am of the man you're becoming. This time is so fleeting, I'm afraid to miss a minute.

Tonight and tomorrow are difficult days for me. I hope you never have to understand why. I was pregnant once before you. That baby didn't make it. I had a miscarriage. If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have you. I'm so thankful to have you. Don't ever think that I'm not. Tomorrow would have been 'clyde's' first birthday. It's so hard- I'm so conflicted... I'm crying for that baby tonight but I know I get to wake up and have you in the morning. I wish we could both just sleep through tomorrow. Wake up and it be Saturday.

But we can't, so I'll be sad tomorrow. I'm going to buy yellow flowers tomorrow because I've always felt like that was clyde's favorite color, or would have been.

Your Grandmama sent me yellow roses when you were born... I felt like clyde was giving it's blessing for you.

It's so hard, missing someone I lost, though if I hadn't lost them I wouldn't have you.

I just went inside and checked on you-sleeping on your tummy now, like your Mommy... You are perfect. In every way.

I'm so sorry I'm going to waste a day of our lives feeling bad.

I love you Parker.
Mommy

8.23.09

2009-08-29T18:41:00.001-07:00

We spent a week in North Carolina visiting your Daddy's family. That's why I haven't written.

You found your laugh... along with a 'woo-woo' sound.

You are absolutely the most beautiful, perfect little boy ever. You adapt so well to whatever is going on around you.

This entry isn't so much about what you're doing as how amazing you are...

I am in awe of your cheerfulness-until you're tired.

You are the sweetest little boy and I can't quite say it right now.

I'll try to be better tomorrow.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.13.09

2009-08-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

You're seven months old today. It's strange to say that... I never thought I'd have a baby, let alone a seven month old! You're growing so quickly. Every day feels like sand through my fingers. I'm afraid I'm not doing enough, not paying enough attention. It's strange, I spend most days with you but I feel like I don't do enough. I think it's a 'Mommy' thing.

We're going on our first vacation on Saturday. I'm nervous because I just want you to be safe, happy, and calm. We're about to turn your world upside down. I wish we could wait longer but your Daddy's family has been so patient in waiting to see you. It's time. I just don't know if I'm ready.

It will all be okay once we get there. I'm just nervous.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.11.09

2009-08-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

In two days you'll be seven months old. Time is really flying! You're rolling over really well-especially for your toys.

Your 'Aunt Kristen' may be coming up to see you in about a month... we'll see how things go.

There is so much that I want to talk to you about here. I'm afraid to start tonight. I will tell you that I've mentioned I was pregnant shortly before I got pregnant with you and I lost that baby. It was a baby-it had a heartbeat. It was supposed to be born on August 28th of last year.

If I hadn't miscarried that baby I wouldn't have you. It still hurts my heart to know I made a baby that didn't live. But I have you and you're the most amazing, wonderful dream come true. I'm still sad for that baby but you make it so much easier.

Knowing that I have a son as beautiful, smart, and silly as you helps ease the pain of that loss so much. I imagine that you wanted me more. I probably am not making much sense and I hope that you never have to share that pain with your wife...

You are perfect. I'm so happy to have you. We're still waiting on teeth. I've been thinking for months you were getting teeth. You will someday.

I'm sleepy and not making much sense.

Oh-you've slept through the night the last three nights! YAY!

I love you Parker!

Mommy

8.08.09

2009-08-29T18:22:00.000-07:00

Your Daddy and I watched videos of you when you were younger. It's amazing how much you've grown.

Watching you from when you were trying to say 'goo' to when you were laughing at me sitting on a whoopee cushion-it's crazy all the skills you've learned in such a short time!

If everything works out, you'll get to meet your 'Aunt Kristen' soon.

That's all for tonight!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.07.09

2009-08-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been a long two weeks. We've been together so much lately. Your Daddy has had to work late a lot. I love you so much but sometimes I need a break. I worked for a while today and then I had your Grandmama keep you so I could clean the house. I feel so much better now.

We're going on our first family vacation in a week. I'm so stressed. I'm worried about you. That people are going to try to interrupt the schedule we've worked so hard to establish. I hope it goes well.

You're getting good at sitting and reaching for things. You also very obviously prefer certain toys. You hate your jumperoo right now. It looks like so much fun but you just aren't having it.

I had to go and buy you all new clothes the other day. You're in nine month clothes now! Wow.

That's all for tonight.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.03.09

2009-08-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

You got really tickled today- at a whoopee cushion! We were at Publix waiting on my prescriptions to be filled and I found one. I brought it home and took video of you while I was sitting on it! Your laugh is like hearing angel's windchimes.

It brings tears to my eyes.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.02.09

2009-08-29T18:05:00.000-07:00

Doctors, doctors, and more doctors! I swear I've seem more doctors since I had you than while I was pregnant with you! I'm getting better though. When I had you, my thyroid went crazy. Luckily it seems to be working itself out.

Your Daddy and I talk a lot about how to make dinnertime fun and nutritious. I know you aren't going to care if you're eating stuff that's good for you. In fact, you'll probably prefer the bad stuff. :) We're talking about doing 'junk food night' and 'fancy dinner night'. Things like that to introduce you to new and fun foods.

You're growing so big! You're about to outgrow your six month clothes. You're sitting up so well by yourself. You pass toys from hand to hand. You're almost rolling back to belly completely on your own and your Daddy claims you crawled a bit this morning.

I love you so much. Having you was the best decision I ever made.

I love you Parker!
Mommy