8.27.09

You started saying 'dada' yesterday. I'm so proud of you. I'm always so proud. I love you so much. You have been the greatest gift I could have ever been given. Don't ever, for a moment, think that you aren't the most wonderful, perfect little boy in the world to me. Soon, I'll be telling you how proud I am of the man you're becoming. This time is so fleeting, I'm afraid to miss a minute.

Tonight and tomorrow are difficult days for me. I hope you never have to understand why. I was pregnant once before you. That baby didn't make it. I had a miscarriage. If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have you. I'm so thankful to have you. Don't ever think that I'm not. Tomorrow would have been 'clyde's' first birthday. It's so hard- I'm so conflicted... I'm crying for that baby tonight but I know I get to wake up and have you in the morning. I wish we could both just sleep through tomorrow. Wake up and it be Saturday.

But we can't, so I'll be sad tomorrow. I'm going to buy yellow flowers tomorrow because I've always felt like that was clyde's favorite color, or would have been.

Your Grandmama sent me yellow roses when you were born... I felt like clyde was giving it's blessing for you.

It's so hard, missing someone I lost, though if I hadn't lost them I wouldn't have you.

I just went inside and checked on you-sleeping on your tummy now, like your Mommy... You are perfect. In every way.

I'm so sorry I'm going to waste a day of our lives feeling bad.

I love you Parker.
Mommy

8.23.09

We spent a week in North Carolina visiting your Daddy's family. That's why I haven't written.

You found your laugh... along with a 'woo-woo' sound.

You are absolutely the most beautiful, perfect little boy ever. You adapt so well to whatever is going on around you.

This entry isn't so much about what you're doing as how amazing you are...

I am in awe of your cheerfulness-until you're tired.

You are the sweetest little boy and I can't quite say it right now.

I'll try to be better tomorrow.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.13.09

You're seven months old today. It's strange to say that... I never thought I'd have a baby, let alone a seven month old! You're growing so quickly. Every day feels like sand through my fingers. I'm afraid I'm not doing enough, not paying enough attention. It's strange, I spend most days with you but I feel like I don't do enough. I think it's a 'Mommy' thing.

We're going on our first vacation on Saturday. I'm nervous because I just want you to be safe, happy, and calm. We're about to turn your world upside down. I wish we could wait longer but your Daddy's family has been so patient in waiting to see you. It's time. I just don't know if I'm ready.

It will all be okay once we get there. I'm just nervous.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.11.09

In two days you'll be seven months old. Time is really flying! You're rolling over really well-especially for your toys.

Your 'Aunt Kristen' may be coming up to see you in about a month... we'll see how things go.

There is so much that I want to talk to you about here. I'm afraid to start tonight. I will tell you that I've mentioned I was pregnant shortly before I got pregnant with you and I lost that baby. It was a baby-it had a heartbeat. It was supposed to be born on August 28th of last year.

If I hadn't miscarried that baby I wouldn't have you. It still hurts my heart to know I made a baby that didn't live. But I have you and you're the most amazing, wonderful dream come true. I'm still sad for that baby but you make it so much easier.

Knowing that I have a son as beautiful, smart, and silly as you helps ease the pain of that loss so much. I imagine that you wanted me more. I probably am not making much sense and I hope that you never have to share that pain with your wife...

You are perfect. I'm so happy to have you. We're still waiting on teeth. I've been thinking for months you were getting teeth. You will someday.

I'm sleepy and not making much sense.

Oh-you've slept through the night the last three nights! YAY!

I love you Parker!

Mommy

8.08.09

Your Daddy and I watched videos of you when you were younger. It's amazing how much you've grown.

Watching you from when you were trying to say 'goo' to when you were laughing at me sitting on a whoopee cushion-it's crazy all the skills you've learned in such a short time!

If everything works out, you'll get to meet your 'Aunt Kristen' soon.

That's all for tonight!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.07.09

Wow. It's been a long two weeks. We've been together so much lately. Your Daddy has had to work late a lot. I love you so much but sometimes I need a break. I worked for a while today and then I had your Grandmama keep you so I could clean the house. I feel so much better now.

We're going on our first family vacation in a week. I'm so stressed. I'm worried about you. That people are going to try to interrupt the schedule we've worked so hard to establish. I hope it goes well.

You're getting good at sitting and reaching for things. You also very obviously prefer certain toys. You hate your jumperoo right now. It looks like so much fun but you just aren't having it.

I had to go and buy you all new clothes the other day. You're in nine month clothes now! Wow.

That's all for tonight.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.03.09

You got really tickled today- at a whoopee cushion! We were at Publix waiting on my prescriptions to be filled and I found one. I brought it home and took video of you while I was sitting on it! Your laugh is like hearing angel's windchimes.

It brings tears to my eyes.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.02.09

Doctors, doctors, and more doctors! I swear I've seem more doctors since I had you than while I was pregnant with you! I'm getting better though. When I had you, my thyroid went crazy. Luckily it seems to be working itself out.

Your Daddy and I talk a lot about how to make dinnertime fun and nutritious. I know you aren't going to care if you're eating stuff that's good for you. In fact, you'll probably prefer the bad stuff. :) We're talking about doing 'junk food night' and 'fancy dinner night'. Things like that to introduce you to new and fun foods.

You're growing so big! You're about to outgrow your six month clothes. You're sitting up so well by yourself. You pass toys from hand to hand. You're almost rolling back to belly completely on your own and your Daddy claims you crawled a bit this morning.

I love you so much. Having you was the best decision I ever made.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.01.09

You didn't have an ear infection. That is so good! We've made it 6 1/2 months with no illness. I'm so proud of you. You're so strong.

I want you to know that I love you. I've been reading this girl's blog-she lost her daughter at 16 months. That's only ten months older than you. I couldn't live if something were to happen to you. I don't know how she has the strength to go on. In just under seven months you've changed my life.

I am a better person because of you. I am calmer and more kind. I catch myself being absolutely content to look into your eyes. I've never really felt content. I've never felt like I have a lot to offer. Now I feel as if I have the world at my fingertips and it's all ours for the taking. I look for shapes in clouds, something I haven't doen since childhood.

You've made me so much a better a person. Your sweet, easy smile has softened my hard hard.

I've said over and over I'm lucky to have you. I could say I love you until my breath ran out and it still wouldn't adequately express my depth of feeling.

You make me proud every day. I am so fortunate to have you in my life.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

7.28.09

You might have your first ear infection. I thought it was your teeth. I gave you tylenol and teething tablets but when you had your third dirty diaper I just felt like I needed to call Dr. Wells' office.

I knew for sure they were just going to tell me it was your teeth. But no, the nurse was like, um... that sounds like an ear infection. :(

I feel like such a bad mom for not realizing earlier! So we have a dr. appt tomorow. I'll write more tomorrow night.

I love you Parker!
Mommy