12.21.09

It's getting harder and harder to write. I'm so wiped at the end of every day. You're doing so much lately! You're pulling up on everything. Chairs, tables, toys that aren't made for pulling up on.

You're developing a horrible habit of trying to get places that I don't want you to go-like the end table between the couch and recliner. Why?? I think it's just to make me crazy.

You hate baby food meat but you've eaten sliced turkey for the last two days. You love it. I bought you some soy cheese. You hate that. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. Maybe melt some on some noodles.

You are still getting up at about 4:30 every morning. I'm still not really happy with that. I don't really have a choice though.

I'll write more later, I'm beat!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.13.09

You're eleven months old. Only one month away from your first birthday. I have to tell you, it's bittersweet. I never thought I'd have you. I'm so proud you're getting big but at the same time it's hard to have you needing me less and less.

You're beautiful and smart. You're so engaging. Even strangers fall in love with you. It's so beautiful to watch you grow. I'm excited but I want you to slow down so I don't miss a thing. Being a mommy is so full of opposites... wanting you to grow and learn and wishing it wasn't all happening so fast.

 You almost took a step today. You pulled up on the recliner and turned toward the coffee table. You let go and started to take a step. Lost your balance and ended up on your bottom. You were so close. I almost cried.

You're still having trouble with meat. I'm not quite sure what to do. No worries, we'll get it figured out.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.11.09

Ack. Sleep. Please.

You're either waking up at 1 am and not wanting to go back down or still getting up at 4:30. You seem to need less and less sleep. It's making me SO TIRED. I'm still hoping it's teething as the teeth on either side of your top fronts have yet to break through.

On a really exciting (and scary for me) note, you're now letting go when you pull up. It seemed to take you forever to learn how to crawl and now you're flying through the milestones!
I've got to go, it's bedtime!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.08.09

It has been too long again since I've written. I'm so far behind posting all this on your blog.

You slept until 5:30 this morning. You woke up at 1 am for some reason though. Your Daddy gave you a bottle and you went right back down.

You gave your Daddy a black eye on Saturday. You two were playing and you accidentally kicked him in the eye. It's sort of funny but it really hurt him. Ouch!

You also learned to pull up this weekend. Now you're even letting go and standing on your own a bit. All in less than a week!

I promise I'll try to write more tomorrow.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.03.09

Having those two teeth through has helped your mood TONS! You were silly today. You laughed a lot at bedtime. You have such a great sense of humor!

Sleep... You woke up at 3:30 this morning losing your mind. I think your room is too cold. We're trying leaving your bedroom door open tonight to see if that helps. I'm really running out of ideas. If this doesn't have you sleeping later we're going back to a big portion of cereal at bedtime. That's all I know to do.

I love you so much. We're going backwards in terms of your sleep. It's hard for your Daddy and I. We're so tired. Please, please sleep tonight.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.02.09

We have teeth! Well, sort of... Your front two teeth have both broken through your gums. You were in a much better mood today.

We put you down at 7:30 last night, you slept until 4:50 this morning. So I guess we'll be moving your bedtime back to 8 or 8:30. I'm not particularly excited about this... but, it will allow you to be up for dinner with us It just totally gets rid of the hour or two of adult time your Daddy and I a day. Oh well, if it helps you sleep later in the morning, I guess it's worth it.

I can't believe you're almost 11 months old. You're getting so big. I'm excited for you but you're just growing up way too fast! You're crawling really well and starting to figure out pulling up. Wow.

I never thought I'd be here, married, a wonderful son... I have to tell you , I am the happiest I've ever been. It's spilling over into every part of my life, I even enjoy work more. Even as tired as I am sometimes, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you so much it brings tears to my eyes. I really am the luckiest girl in the world.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

12.01.09

I wish these teeth would come in! Your poor gums look so bad! Your top left front tooth has broken through. The right one is starting to break the gum in one spot. The outside two... oh goodness, they look like a war zone. Poor thing... I'm hoping when those nasty things come through you'll sleep later in the mornings.

I'm a little frustrated with your Grandparents. There's a tiny possibility, and I mean tiny, that I could get a better job. If I did, I'd have to put you in daycare at least two days a week. The possibility is so small I shouldn't be upset. I just hoped I'd have more support... Eh, whatever. We'll figure it out if something happens. But if you know to wish for things, wish for this to happen for Mommy. It would mean so much to me, that the last 12 years of my life haven't been wasted, workwise.

That's all for tonight!

I love you Parker!

Mommy

11.30.09

And we're back to sleep! Good grief son! You're napping well, that's not the problem. You've been waking up at 4;30 am every morning for the last three or four weeks. It is killing me. Absolutely wearing me down. I've tried changing a couple of things... different diaper, moving your monitor-the light on it is really bright. And not letting you go down until after seven. I'm pushing your bedtime back to 7:30 tomorrow.

In less stressful news, or maybe more, you're learning to pull up! I'm excited for you! I guess walking isn't too far off. That makes me so nervous. You'll be into everything then. But it shows that you're growing up and getting stronger!

I'm trying to sneak some meat in, you aren't liking that. But you have to eat meat! I don't know how to cook vegeterian! :)

We'll figure all this out. I hope before I lose my mind.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.29.09

We celebrated your first Thanksgiving on Thursday (11.26). You ate lima beans and turkey.

You still haven't gotten those top two teeth yet. I'm giving up that you'll get them before 11 months. I'm just going to try to keep you happy.

 You're still getting up at 4:30 am. This is NOT OKAY. You have to sleep later, you're killing me!

I'll write more tomorrow, it's bedtime.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.23.09

Your gums are still fighting against those teeth! I'm hoping at least one will cut through by in the morning. That will relieve some of the pressure. Hopefully.

Your Daddy and I have some co-workers going through a difficult time. Their baby was born last night but he has a hole in one of his lungs. So now is the time that we need to send all our good thoughts to them. They need them so much.

It makes me so aware of how lucky I am to have you- perfect and healthy. We may be having some small problems, but you are perfect. We'll get the meat thing figured out.

 I just want you to know that I love you more than the universe is big... And you make me proud every day!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.22.09

You're still trying to cut all of your top front teeth. They're getting closer to coming through. I'll be so glad when they're in. You're a bit of a grouch these days.

You learned to sit yourself up this week and you're crawling on your hands and knees a lot more lately.

I'll write more tomorrow!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.19.09

There's so much going on right now. Good things and bad. And I feel like I need to tell you all of them. We'll start with the good.

You're getting more and more mobile. And you've learned to sit up by yourself. You're also currently trying to cut four teeth! That's right, FOUR! I think, at times, you're a bit of an overachiever! :)

So now, the not so good... Lots of my friends- your baby friends- are having problems in their marriages. So much talk of divorce. Nattalie, Shannon and Jay's daughter, is going to grow up with only a Mom.  Aunt Melissa has had problems recently. Another friend of mine, Michele, is considering divorcing her husband. And your Aund Christi is having to deal with the possibility as well...

I promise you, no matter what happens between your Daddy and I, we will always be here for you. Together. We meant it when we said forever. And not that we have you, we mean it even more. We promised each other that wo would bear each other's burdens, that we would lift each other up, that we would always respect each other, and nost importantly we would always remember that we love each other.

I'm so glad that you will never have to bear the burden of a broken home. Your father and I are so lucky to have each other and we know it. And we make each other aware of it every day. We are doubly lucky to have you.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.12.09

I keep forgetting things here... Things you do that get lost in the day to day. You talk SO MUCH. And you chirp. I can't explain it, it's a version of your 'motor' sound but really hight pitched. You do it when you're having fun and happy. You hum yourself to sleep at naptime. It's more like an 'aaahhhh' sound but you do it as you're falling asleep during the day.

Your favorite toy right now is an empty water bottle with beans in it. Oh and your Jumperoo. You'll jump and jump and jump until you're bouncing with your head resting on the top of the seat.

You refuse to crawl in the traditional sense. You army-crawl or roll everywhere. You spread your toys all over the den floor.

It's late and I'm sleepy.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.11.09

Parker, I love you son, but I'm so tired. Getting up at 5 am isn't working for me. I feel myself aging more and more every day. It's getting hard to play with you because I'm so exhausted. You're going to have to start sleeping for an extra hour.... I could do 6 am. But not 5. I've lived half a day before I even get to work. And I have to be on my toes at work. My attentiveness and personality keep you fed. If I'm asleep in the corner we're all going to starve.

I'm starting to push your bedime back to see if that will get you to sleep later. I don't have much hope though, honestly. I suppose I'm just going to have to adjust. And drink LOTS of coffee.

 I love you so much but I'm frustrated and I feel like it's interfering with my care for you. I'm just exhausted.

I love you so... I'm so tired.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

11.09.09

I've been awful about writing to you lately- so much has been going on. Like I said in my last entry- you jumped off my bed. You weren't hurt, you even smiled.

We had a Halloween party for you- Melissa & MacKensie, Amanda & Aidan, Shannon, Jay, & Nattalie came plus your Grandmama and Grandaddy were there too! It was tons of fun.

You got your first cold/ear infection the next day. You cried all day Sunday. It was so sad. I didn't know what to do. I felt awful. we took you to the doctor on Monday and got your first prescription. Then I got sick and spent Tuesday and Wednesday in bed. :(

We're both getting better every day.

Your Grandmama does a craft sale every year. It was this past Saturday. We stayed all day- you were awesome. You got to see several of your Great-great Aunts. I'm so glad you get to see them.

 Naps are pretty good. A little inconsistent but you're at least in your bed. It's great.

We're going to start moving your bedtime back. You're getting up at 5 am every day and that's TOO EARLY! I'd love it if you'd sleep until 7 but I can compromise- we're shooting for 6.

I think I hear you moving around in your room. Time to play!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.27.09

We've had quite an eventful week. On Sunday you jumped off my bed. You had the biggest smile on your face... as if to say, 'Look what I just did!' It scared me to death.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.22.09

You're sleeping peacefully and I'm up alone. Your Daddy had a going-away party to attend. I chose to stay home instead of trying to find someone to sit here while you slept.

I realize that I've shared so much about you in these pages but little about myself. Perhaps I should tell you more about me... about where I am in all of this. I'll try tonight.

Who am I? Good grief, that's a question I don't even know how to start answering. I am your Mom. I am your Daddy's wife. I am so much- so little. I used to love to sing. I still do but I'm realizing it's not a paid job... no big checks rolling in for the number of times I sing 'itzy-bitzy spider'. :)

I don't mind because its for you. But we're getting off the subject, tonight is about me. I'm passionate, when I believe in someone or something I'd fight almost to the death for them/it. Like you, I dared you to keep growing inside me but now I'd die the worst, most painful death to make sure you smile more days than you don't. But again, I digress...

I'm quick to be sharp tounged. I don't mean to be mean, it's just the way I ended up. I promise, I'll always take pause before I say hurtful things to you... I'm learning patience and to hold my tounge these days.

I am matter-of-fact. If you don't knock your eyes out bumping your head on something, don't expect a big show. You'll be fine. I'll kiss your boo-boos and hold your hand when your feelings get hurt but we'll move on.

I am loving. I can smother one with the amount of love I can have for them. I'm sure you'll feel the full effect of this. When I decide that it's alright to love someone. I LOVE them. I'm kind of an all-or-nothing girl.

This didn't turn out the way I'd hoped... I'll try harder in coming entries to let you know more of me, not just me with you. But the girl/woman I am individual of you.

I guess that's where I'm going wrong. I don't see you and I as separate yet. So all of the things I try to tell you about me are going to relate to you.

If I could keep you in my belly until you're grown I might try.... I just want you safe and happy.

Aah, I'm a bit of a mess over you, I suppose its allowed. :)
I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.21.09

We went to your first funeral today. They're not fun. I'm hoping you don't have to go to another one for a LONG time. You were, as usual, absolutely wonderful. You do so well in public. I'm so glad I made the decision to take you out a lot. You seem to be so in love with your Aunt Christi. She loves it. I do too. :)

Your crawling is slowly but surely improving and you're beginning to notice tables and act like you are trying to figure out how to pull up. Hopefully you won't be in a hurry to learn that new skill, we still need to do some baby-proofing.

 Going to the funeral today made me realize I don't want one. I don't want you to ever have to sit in some poorly decorated room filled with gaudy flower arrangements staring at my dead body. I want to be creamated. I want you to have a party to remember how much fun I was to have around. I don't want you to hurt. And I don't want someone who, probably, barely knows me spouting off about what a perfect person I was. Instead, tell stories about the time I whipped your butt in front of all your friends because you backtalked me and of how I never was a really great cook but you appreciated the effort...whatever. Just don't cry. I won't leave until you can handle it. I promise.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.20.09

Lots of things to cover tonight. I'll try to do them in the order they happened. One of your Great-Grandmothers passed away on Sunday. You had never met her. She is your Grandaddy's Mother. She had alzheimers for years. It is never good when someone dies but it was her time. We're going to her funeral in the morning.

You had your nine month check-up on Monday. You weigh 21 lbs 12 oz and are 28 and 3/4 inches long. You're getting so big! Dr. Wells says your verbal skills are a little ahead for your age... I could have told her that! :) We've developed a little problem ****left out purposely for Parker's privacy****

You are pretty consistently in twelve month clothes now. It has worked out perfectly because it has been unseasonably cool this fall and all your long sleeves and pants are the right size. Yay!

Today, you had your nine month pictures done. Ameila did them again, she's awesome. You made me sing for your smiles again! I think you like embarrassing me in public! :) Singing 'Mr. Sun' in a photography studio is nothing like singing for friends at a party! But as much as we listen to music and sing at home and in the car, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd want it in public too.

 We had a little mishap at the end of your pictures. You were sitting on some blocks and fell off. Oh my, how you cried. No real damage done, we all sort of tried to catch you. I think your Daddy broke most of your fall. It scared you pretty bad though. Lots of tears.

I think that's all for today.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.17.09

You've gone on yet another strike.... You're refusing to nap now. What the heck Parker?! You did so well switching from your bed for naps, you were even falling asleep more quickly! Now I'm lucky to get ab hour and a half out of you. That's down from three and sometimes three and a half hours. This is not good. You're cranky and whiny in the afternnoon but you just won't sleep.

I was just about to push your bedtime back and now I'm having to put you down earlier! We're going backward. :(

I'm planning on giving you more veggies at lunch tomorrow. You're taking your formula well again so I feel pretty comfortable giving you more for lunch. How about we make a trade, you sleep better and I'll give you more veggies?

Enough with my complaining, I love you and even on less than perfect days I'm happy to have you in my life.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.12.09

The time is passing so quickly these days! You'll be nine months old tomottow. I just can't believe it. You'll be out as long as you were in my belly. Strange... But good. :)

You're getting closer to crawling every day. You're getting around just fine with your rolling-inchworm-armycrawl but I can see the actual crawling on your hands and knees coming just any time now.

You still only have your bottom two teeth. I would have thought for sure you would have gotten at least one of your top teeth by now. I'm not worried, you'll get them all soon enough.

We took you to a pumpkin patch today. You got four pumpkins! You seemed to really like watching the animals and you loved the hayride. You are such a fun little guy! We got great pictures!

That's all for tonight!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.07.09

I was riding in my car this afternoon a little high on the changing of seasons. I was singing to my favorite Patty Griffin songs and I remembered a dream I used to have- to sing. When I sing I feel like my soul is free from all the worries and stresses of the day to day. I feel pure and whole. There was a time I 'thought' I was going to have the opportunity to do it as a job. A side job, once a week. But just the idea that I was good enough for someone to offer that to me was amazing.

I think about you and what I thought I could do and they aren't the same. In order for me to have you and be the mother I want to be, I can't sing as a job. And for a minute I was sad about it... Until I thought about what I have now. I have you. And when I think back to as early as I can remember wanting something, I wanted you. A child. My child.

So we'll sing together. You'll learn all the words to the songs I love and all the ones your Daddy loves and we'll all sing together.

I'll have the best of both worlds. Singing and my son. It will be perfect.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.05.09

So dairy didn't go as planned... On Friday you had some blood in your poop. :( So no more dairy for you for up to six months. Oh well, we tried.

You're working so hard on crawling! I think you'll get it soon. You're getting up on your knees a lot but you seem to want to tuck one arm under yourself.

You've been a little whiny the past two days and your top gums look a *little* different. Are we going to have some more teeth soon?

Your naps in your bed are going SO WELL! I'm rocking you completely to sleep before putting you in your bed, which is something we're going to have to work on. I want to get you acclimated to sleeping in your room first. It's progress and that makes me proud.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

10.01.09

So far dairy isn't upsetting your tummy... Hopefully things will stay that way.

You're still working on crawling. It's a slow process. All of the wriggling around you're doing trying to get it figured out is really adorable! I'm afraid you're going to have a short temper like me... You get frustrated easily.

Your little teeth are still working their way in. I got pictures of them yesterday! They turned out so well! YAY!

Naps in your bed are going EXTREMELY well. I'm having to rock you to sleep and then put you in your bed but you're staying asleep so that's GREAT!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.29.09

We had another great day today. You didn't take an afternoon nap but you were in a great mood anyway. I couldn't believe it!

Your little teeth are still working their way in. Your right one is really visible, your left one I have to still look for.

We're getting closer to crawling! I'm not sure how I  feel about it... I want you to but you're growing up so fast! You're going backward right now so forward isn't too far off. :)

We re-started dairy again today. I'm nervous. I don't want to hurt your little belly. Right after I fed you the yogurt you had a big poop. I don't know if it was because of the dairy or you just had to poo... We'll watch it really closely for the next couple of days.

 I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.27.09

Your other bottom tooth came in on Friday! I can see them both! They're really slow coming all the way in. I don't know if they're supposed to come in fast or not.

We did *pretty* good with naps in bed today. You took two, short ones. I'll take it!

You're trying to crawl more and more each day. You're getting up on your hands and knees and going backward. It's so cute! I can't wait to chase you around once you're moving forward!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.24.09

Today is your Grandaddy's 61st birthday. He loves you so much and is so proud of you! I hope that you get to have him and your Grandmama around as long as I've had mine.

That little tooth of yours is coming in more and more each day. It's slow but making progress! Yay!

Now for the serious stuff... You have changed me. Having you in my life has filled a hole I don't think I even knew I had. Before you I was angry a lot. And I thought that was just how I was. I was loud and rash... And mean at times. I hurt people I cared about and made choices that were so less than right.

 People around me have noticed the way you've changed me even. I'm more calm and understanding and something I never was before- forgiving. Having you in my life has changed the way I look at the world. I'm still loud, that will never change, but I laugh loudly now instead of yelling loudly.

 I could have never come to the person I am now without you in my life. I want to say Thank You.

Thank you for picking me to be your Mommy. Thank you for being a sweet, silly, loving little boy. Thank you for being stubborn and giving me a dose of my own medicine. Thank you for being you.

As always, I am so proud of you. I am so grateful to have you in my life. You've made me a better person, a better wife to your Daddy, and I think, a better Mom than I thought I could be.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.22.09

I've finally pressured your father into writing to you. You need to know how he feels... And how proud he is of you.

I'm going to try my best to keep him writing. I think it will be an amazing gift from him, especially because he works a lot.

You're rolling around a lot!!! You're trying to crawl, though you go backwards a good deal. You're making such progress!

I tried enforcing naps in your bed today. It did not go well. It's my fault that I've let this go on so long so I have to deal with the fact that you don't understand.

We will get it though, and when we do, it will be great for the both of us.

I love you so much it's hard to catch my breath some days.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.21.09

That little tooth is working so hard to come in. I think in a couple of days it will be all the way through.

You're saying 'mama' a lot now. I love it!! On the whole you are really babbling tons. And you've started blowing bubbles again.

We're still working on crawling. You're doing so well! You roll side to side a lot and you're getting up on your knees some.

I'm so proud of you!! Great job P!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.20.09

We have an exciting development... You're getting your first tooth!!! It broke through yesterday. Well, we got up and you had it. We can almost see it today. I can see it but your Daddy was just barely able to make it out this evening.

This comes with mixed feelings, like with every other first, I'm so excited but at the same time a part of me begs you to slow down. I think this is something I'll feel with every thing you do.

You're working really hard on crawling. Getting up on your knees a lot and even going backwards sometimes. Again, I'm excited but realize how quickly time is passing.

Oh, I forgot to say which tooth! Your bottom right one is coming in. You're being a champ! Still sleeping through the night.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.16.09

You're reaching out for people now. Showing your preference for people. You've moved from saying 'dada' to 'nana'...

Your Grandmama doesn't want to be called 'nana' so I'm hoping you're just replacing the 'm' with 'n'.

You're starting to learn how to crawl. I took some awesome video today! YAY!

Still no teeth yet. I've given up on that. Hopefully you'll have some by the time you start school. :)

I've re-introduced solids at bedtime and you seem to be doing well. When you're crawling you can go back to three meals a day.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.15.09

You, my little tiny dream, are eight months old! I feel like time is slipping through my fingers like sand. It's all moving so quickly now. At first the days were so long, spent wondering how long you were going to sleep, when would you want to eat next, when was this dream going to come to some painful end...

The whole time I carried you, I waited for the other shoe to drop... For it to end in the cruel joke my last pregnancy had. And then you were actually born. I was in disbelief- I acutally had a baby? The thing that I've wanted my whole life had actually come to fruition?

When we brought you home, I waited for the call- you weren't mine, something terrible...

You're here! Still! And you're growing and becoming more amazing every day! I have finally breathed that sigh of relief I've so waited for...

You're almost a year old- you still have time but every day feels shorter. It's hard to explain... As you grow up some things will seem to take an eternity to you- waiting for Christmas, a year of school. But when you look back it will all have passed in the blink of an eye.

I love you so very much, SO VERY MUCH. I am proud of you every day- even the day you scared us all and refused to eat. I will be proud of you on your first day of school and you don't want anyone to see me kiss you with tears in my eyes. I will be proud of you on the day you say you hate me and that I don't understand... I will always be proud of you. I will always stand behind you and I will always strive to be the best mother to you and to be a better person for you.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.12.09

Today was so much better in terms of your eating. I promised you this morning if you'd take all of your bottles without complaint, I'd give you a tiny bit of cereal at bedtime. You held up your end of the deal beautifully. You even ate plain cereal without fussing. And THEN drank six full ounces of formula! Way to go P!

I didn't start naps in your room today because I wanted the focus to be on your eating. I was really torn about that decision but I felt like I made the right one.

Daddy will be home with us tomorrow so there's no turning back. I hate that I let my wants come before your needs for so long but tomorrow we begin to change that.

Tomorrow will be hard but we've gotten through all the previous hard days. I'm excited to see the day that naps aren't all I talk about.

I'm making this change because I love you, know that.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.11.09

Today is a terrible day in America's history. When you're older we'll talk about it.

You must have felt it... you had a horrible day. You refused to eat and ended up having to go to the doctor.

I hope tomorrow is better.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.10.09

I had your 'Aunt Molly' cut my hair tonight. I hope it doesn't upset you... It's so much shorter that you've ever seen.

You are really not liking not having your cereal at beditme. I know it upsets you but it's something we have to do- your formula is more important right now. I'm thinking about starting to give you a tiny bit at bedtime this weekend... we'll see.

I'm nervous about Saturday. It's going to be a long, hard day for the both of us but we can do it. It's time for you to nap in your bed. Thankfully, Daddy will be home on Sunday so I don't lose my resolve.

This is the best for all of us, you have to understand that. It is going to help you be stronger and more independent. Things you'll need when you're bigger.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.09.09

Your Daddy did bedtime tonight. It did NOT go well. I think you might have been overtired. A situation that would have been okay if I was here but with your regular routine disrupted by having someone else do it was just too much... I went to see a friend who had a baby yesterday in the hospital.

I have some rather distressing news for you... Saturday is THE DAY. I'm putting you in your room for naps and we're not looking back. It will be difficult but we'll get through it. You need time away from me and I need time away from you. This does not mean in any way I love you any less. I love you enough to finally come to terms with the fact that this just isn't workng anymore. I'm nervous but determined.

You are amazing and resilliant, this will work.

I love you Parker!

Mommy

9.08.09

I'm trying to talk your Daddy into writing to you. He's scared. He's worried that he won't have enough to talk about. I think I have him almost won. :)

I'm frustrated today. I'm angry at this world... there are so many people out there selling hate and trying to divide people it's just silly.

I'll talk more about it tomorrow...

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.07.09

We took you to the zoo for the first time today. You seemed to enjoy it, you took a little nap while we were there. I took lots of pictures of the animals for you.

You're refusing formula more and more. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow, again. I can't let you go to just food yet, you're not ready. You still NEED your formula. So I'm hoping they won't make us come in but they can tell me what to do.

Naps. Naps. Naps. I'm not even going to bring it up tonight.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.04.09

You're almost eight months old. Again, I can't believe how big you're getting. Your Grandaddy weighed you the other day- over 21 pounds!

We're having a problem though, you don't want your bottles anymore. You still have four months more on formula. I'm not willing to let you give that up yet.

I think I might be ready to start naps in your bed with you. I'm going to make your Daddy help me through the first two days though.

I promise it's not that I don't love you- it's like having you sleep in your bed at night. You NEED to learn how to do this. It'll only be scary for a minute.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

9.03.09

So the bad days are over and I can focus on the three of us again. You've perfected your 'dada' and now it's become 'dede' sometimes. So cute! Eventually you'll say 'mama'. Probably by the time you're ten or so. I don't think you're ever going to get your teeth either!

I was so convinced it was happening on vacation. You're refusing formula a lot now but your gums aren't swollen anymore. You're even drooling less! You're fussy more but that's it.

Your 'Aunt Kristen' is coming in day after tomorrow. I'm pretty excited.

That's it for today.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.27.09

You started saying 'dada' yesterday. I'm so proud of you. I'm always so proud. I love you so much. You have been the greatest gift I could have ever been given. Don't ever, for a moment, think that you aren't the most wonderful, perfect little boy in the world to me. Soon, I'll be telling you how proud I am of the man you're becoming. This time is so fleeting, I'm afraid to miss a minute.

Tonight and tomorrow are difficult days for me. I hope you never have to understand why. I was pregnant once before you. That baby didn't make it. I had a miscarriage. If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have you. I'm so thankful to have you. Don't ever think that I'm not. Tomorrow would have been 'clyde's' first birthday. It's so hard- I'm so conflicted... I'm crying for that baby tonight but I know I get to wake up and have you in the morning. I wish we could both just sleep through tomorrow. Wake up and it be Saturday.

But we can't, so I'll be sad tomorrow. I'm going to buy yellow flowers tomorrow because I've always felt like that was clyde's favorite color, or would have been.

Your Grandmama sent me yellow roses when you were born... I felt like clyde was giving it's blessing for you.

It's so hard, missing someone I lost, though if I hadn't lost them I wouldn't have you.

I just went inside and checked on you-sleeping on your tummy now, like your Mommy... You are perfect. In every way.

I'm so sorry I'm going to waste a day of our lives feeling bad.

I love you Parker.
Mommy

8.23.09

We spent a week in North Carolina visiting your Daddy's family. That's why I haven't written.

You found your laugh... along with a 'woo-woo' sound.

You are absolutely the most beautiful, perfect little boy ever. You adapt so well to whatever is going on around you.

This entry isn't so much about what you're doing as how amazing you are...

I am in awe of your cheerfulness-until you're tired.

You are the sweetest little boy and I can't quite say it right now.

I'll try to be better tomorrow.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.13.09

You're seven months old today. It's strange to say that... I never thought I'd have a baby, let alone a seven month old! You're growing so quickly. Every day feels like sand through my fingers. I'm afraid I'm not doing enough, not paying enough attention. It's strange, I spend most days with you but I feel like I don't do enough. I think it's a 'Mommy' thing.

We're going on our first vacation on Saturday. I'm nervous because I just want you to be safe, happy, and calm. We're about to turn your world upside down. I wish we could wait longer but your Daddy's family has been so patient in waiting to see you. It's time. I just don't know if I'm ready.

It will all be okay once we get there. I'm just nervous.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.11.09

In two days you'll be seven months old. Time is really flying! You're rolling over really well-especially for your toys.

Your 'Aunt Kristen' may be coming up to see you in about a month... we'll see how things go.

There is so much that I want to talk to you about here. I'm afraid to start tonight. I will tell you that I've mentioned I was pregnant shortly before I got pregnant with you and I lost that baby. It was a baby-it had a heartbeat. It was supposed to be born on August 28th of last year.

If I hadn't miscarried that baby I wouldn't have you. It still hurts my heart to know I made a baby that didn't live. But I have you and you're the most amazing, wonderful dream come true. I'm still sad for that baby but you make it so much easier.

Knowing that I have a son as beautiful, smart, and silly as you helps ease the pain of that loss so much. I imagine that you wanted me more. I probably am not making much sense and I hope that you never have to share that pain with your wife...

You are perfect. I'm so happy to have you. We're still waiting on teeth. I've been thinking for months you were getting teeth. You will someday.

I'm sleepy and not making much sense.

Oh-you've slept through the night the last three nights! YAY!

I love you Parker!

Mommy

8.08.09

Your Daddy and I watched videos of you when you were younger. It's amazing how much you've grown.

Watching you from when you were trying to say 'goo' to when you were laughing at me sitting on a whoopee cushion-it's crazy all the skills you've learned in such a short time!

If everything works out, you'll get to meet your 'Aunt Kristen' soon.

That's all for tonight!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.07.09

Wow. It's been a long two weeks. We've been together so much lately. Your Daddy has had to work late a lot. I love you so much but sometimes I need a break. I worked for a while today and then I had your Grandmama keep you so I could clean the house. I feel so much better now.

We're going on our first family vacation in a week. I'm so stressed. I'm worried about you. That people are going to try to interrupt the schedule we've worked so hard to establish. I hope it goes well.

You're getting good at sitting and reaching for things. You also very obviously prefer certain toys. You hate your jumperoo right now. It looks like so much fun but you just aren't having it.

I had to go and buy you all new clothes the other day. You're in nine month clothes now! Wow.

That's all for tonight.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.03.09

You got really tickled today- at a whoopee cushion! We were at Publix waiting on my prescriptions to be filled and I found one. I brought it home and took video of you while I was sitting on it! Your laugh is like hearing angel's windchimes.

It brings tears to my eyes.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.02.09

Doctors, doctors, and more doctors! I swear I've seem more doctors since I had you than while I was pregnant with you! I'm getting better though. When I had you, my thyroid went crazy. Luckily it seems to be working itself out.

Your Daddy and I talk a lot about how to make dinnertime fun and nutritious. I know you aren't going to care if you're eating stuff that's good for you. In fact, you'll probably prefer the bad stuff. :) We're talking about doing 'junk food night' and 'fancy dinner night'. Things like that to introduce you to new and fun foods.

You're growing so big! You're about to outgrow your six month clothes. You're sitting up so well by yourself. You pass toys from hand to hand. You're almost rolling back to belly completely on your own and your Daddy claims you crawled a bit this morning.

I love you so much. Having you was the best decision I ever made.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

8.01.09

You didn't have an ear infection. That is so good! We've made it 6 1/2 months with no illness. I'm so proud of you. You're so strong.

I want you to know that I love you. I've been reading this girl's blog-she lost her daughter at 16 months. That's only ten months older than you. I couldn't live if something were to happen to you. I don't know how she has the strength to go on. In just under seven months you've changed my life.

I am a better person because of you. I am calmer and more kind. I catch myself being absolutely content to look into your eyes. I've never really felt content. I've never felt like I have a lot to offer. Now I feel as if I have the world at my fingertips and it's all ours for the taking. I look for shapes in clouds, something I haven't doen since childhood.

You've made me so much a better a person. Your sweet, easy smile has softened my hard hard.

I've said over and over I'm lucky to have you. I could say I love you until my breath ran out and it still wouldn't adequately express my depth of feeling.

You make me proud every day. I am so fortunate to have you in my life.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

7.28.09

You might have your first ear infection. I thought it was your teeth. I gave you tylenol and teething tablets but when you had your third dirty diaper I just felt like I needed to call Dr. Wells' office.

I knew for sure they were just going to tell me it was your teeth. But no, the nurse was like, um... that sounds like an ear infection. :(

I feel like such a bad mom for not realizing earlier! So we have a dr. appt tomorow. I'll write more tomorrow night.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

7.24.09

And again with the sleep- You've GOT to start napping in your bed. I was planning on starting it tomorrow. We've even talked about it. But now I'm second guessing myself. I love having you sleep on me. I so don't want to lose that. But the housework is piling up and I don't want to put you in front of the tv all day.

You go to sleep like a dream at bedtime. It's just the naps we still have to work on.

You're laughing so much more these days! It's the most beautiful sound in the world.

I'm so tired. Your Daddy scheduled a massage for me after your pictures on Sunday. I can't wait! He truly is the most wonderful man in the world.

I love you Parker!

Mommy

7.18.09

It's been too long since I sat down and wrote to you. I'm sorry. You're getting so big so quickly that by the end of the day I'm just beat!

Let's see, what are you up to lately? You're sitting up by yourself for minutes at a time. This is huge and wonderful. You're even able to play with toys while you're sitting up.

You're 'running your motor' constantly, consequently getting all of your clothes soaked with drool. I change your clothes multiple times a day. I gave up on bibs other than at mealtime a while back, you have plenty of clothes.

You're eating 2nd foods now. They are blends of fruits or veggies and they aren't pureed quite so much. You loved apples and strawberries- you ate that alone for breakfast today. You're eating oatmeal for breakfast with fruit, one or two veggies at lunch, and rice cereal with fruit for dinner. You're such a good eater!

You love rolling from your belly to your back. We're still working on back to belly. You'll get it in no time!

We're still working on getting you to sleep completely through the night, you generally are sleeping from 7 pm to 3 or 4 am. Your Daddy gets up with you and feeds you before he goes to work. He truly is wonderful.

We still have to get you napping in your bed. You don't even cry anymore at night (most nights). So we have to teach you that your bed is for daytime sleeping as well. I have a feeling that it might be a long and painful process like getting you to bed at night without crying... but we'll get through it. You are a smart and wonderful son, it will all make sense to you soon.

You still don't laugh a lot but you smile all the time so I'm okay just knowing that you're happy. But you'd better start laughing for me soon Buster! :)

I love you Parker!
Mommy

7.16.09

It's been over a week since I wrote last. I'm sorry. I mentioned before that I haven't been feeling well. We're trying to get it figured out, I went and saw a doctor today.

We had your six month check-up this morning. You weigh 19 pounds 4 ounces, you're 27 1/4 inches long. My big boy!

You're developing exactly like you should be and you're learning more every day.

I'll write more tomorrow!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

7.08.09

It's five minutes before my thirtieth birthday. I never thought I'd be where I am...

You are the most amazing dream come true. I'm so thankful to have you.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

7.06.09

We've had six nights in a row with no crying at bedtime! I can't believe it! I'm putting you down drowsy but awake and at seven instead of six thirty. I think we may have gotten it!

I have to figure out what to do about naps but we'll work that out eventually.

You are reaching out and grabbing things and even putting them to your mouth! You've gotten your pacifier in once and yo're rolling from your tummy to your back like a champ!

I'm so glad to be your Mom. I love it. On days when I feel like I can barely drag myself out of bed, you give me the strength to do it. I've been having a 'health issue' but I won't talk about it until I know more. But I've been having a lot of bad days lately. You make me want to feel better. I owe you all my good days lately!

I love you Parker!

Mommy

7.03.09

You've gone to bed with no crying the last two nights. I've been putting you down at seven rather than six thirty. I've also been tucking you in... maybe that's what you needed?

We're still changing where you nap on Sunday... no more sleeping on Mommy. You have to learn to nap on your own. It will be best for all of us. It doesn't mean that I love you less or that I don't want to hold you- I DO want to hold you while you sleep, its so relaxing and rewarding for me but this isn't about me. It's about you... teaching you good sleep habits.

Hopefully soon all of my entries here won't be about sleep!

You're rolling from your belly to your back SO WELL now! I'm so proud of you. You're eating like a little piggy and growing like a weed! You're grasping things and starting to figure out how to put your paci in your mouth on your own. That's going to take a little more work still but you'll get it soon.

You like to play with your feet. I'm sure in no time you'll have those in your mouth too.

You're outgrowing all your clothes so quickly- you're in a sice three diaper and you're wearing 6-9 month clothes! You still have ten days until you are six months! You're a big guy!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

6.28.09

I give up... You're just going to cry when I put you in bed. I'm just going to have to get used to it. :(

Something really awesome happened today- You laughed for your Daddy... a lot! It was so cute! He was excited because he'd never heard you laugh before. I have to say, I'm a little jealous. :)

You're getting really good at rolling over, you go from your belly to your back like a pro! Yay!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

6.25.09

It absolutely kills me how upset you get when I've been working. I've worked the last two days in a row and you cried SO hard tonight whe I put you down. I know you miss me, I miss you too but I have to work.

I love you so much. It breaks my heart to have you so upset. I feel just awful. I'm doing this for us, for all of us. I hope one day you understand.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

6.21.09

We're on day three of putting you down drowsy but awake. The first night you cried for eight minutes, the second you cried for almost a half hour, and tonight you haven't cried at all yet. Your Daddy and I are just waiting for you to wake up... it seems too good to be true!

We surprised Daddy at work- it's Father's Day and we took him a picture frame loaded up with pictures of you. He was excited.

I hope we're getting this sleep thing figured out.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

6.19.09

I put you down still awake tonight. You cried for eight minutes, had to be comforted once and you've been asleep for two and a half hours. The rest of the night might suck but at least you are learning to fall asleep on your own. I don't say this out of anything but love.

You passed your rattle from your right hand to your left twice this afternoon! This is SO HUGE! I'm so proud of you!

Apparently your kisses aren't just for me anymore. You've been kissing me for a couple of weeks now. You grab my neck and put your open mouth on my cheek- I love it! You kissed Mom (your Grandmama) once yesterday and you kissed Molly three times today at lunch!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

6.18.09

I am consumed with the desire to get you to sleep. I'm trying everything I know to do. You're still crying- you'll sleep for half and hour and wake up hysterical. I'm starting to feel like I'm doing everything wrong... I felt like we were making so much progress and we've hit a wall. I don't know what to do anymore. I promise we'll figure this out.

In happier news, you're in 6-9 month clothes, some 6 month stuff still fits. You're eating three meals of solid food a day- oatmeal and fruit in the morning, two veggies at lunch, and rice cereal and fruit at night- Plus all your normal bottles! You're my little piggy and I love it!

You can roll over in your changing pad from tummy to back. I just need to get you to do it on the floor...

You love practicing your 'b' sound, which results in a lot of slobber!

You seem to pick things up so quickly it's amazing! I'm constantly proud of you and what you're learning!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

6.15.09

I wonder when you'll go to bed every night without crying. I wonder when I'll be able to get you to nap in your bed. I feel like we're not getting something right.

It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm charting bedtime routine and how it goes and how often you're getting up at night starting tonight. I've got to figure out what is working and what isn't.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

6.09.09

You're doing so well at night here lately. Going down without crying and even sleeping all night some nights!

You're eating cereal and fruit twice a day and veggies for lunch. I haven't found a food yet that you don't like. I hope this continues when you start eating table foods.

You're rolling from tummy to back on your changing pad pretty regularly. You're not doing it anywhere else yet but we'll get there.

I'm still waiting on you to laugh regularly... I think it's coming soon though.

You've just recently found your feet and you love to watch your hands while you're taking a bottle.

This is such an exciting time! I can't believe you're almost five months old!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

6.06.09

I think you're really turning a corner- you went to be tonight with no crying! I think you're finally getting comfortable sleeping and going to sleep in your own bed! This is such a good thing! I'm so proud of you!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

6.04.09

It's hard to believe you're almost five months old. Getting you to three months seemed to take forever but it's flown since then... Bedtime is getting easier. I'm worried that tomorrow night is going to derail all of that but we'll manage. Jeffrey, your cousin, is graduating high school. He is your grandparents other grandson.

You are really starting to reach for things and bring them to your mouth. You are also starting to laught a little more. You've slept through the night a couple of times this week but you went to bed early tonight so I doubt you'll do it again tonight.

You're squealing a lot, especially for your Daddy, you really seem to save it for him. It's adorable.

I also think I'm starting to see a routine forming. I really hope so, again, it will probably get all messed up tomorrow.

I'm so excited to be your Mommy, I'm having so much fun with you. You are absolutely a dream come true.

One more thing- you rolled over on your own last night!

And another, you are in 6 month clothes now. You're getting so big!

I love you Parker!

Mommy

6.02.09

Things semm to be changing every day with you! You're moving from 3-6 month clothes into 6 month outfits. You're only four and a half months old!

You're still not laughing a lot but you've discovered that you can squeal. You do it most for your Daddy. You're practicing using different tones and volumes with your voice too. You've also learned how to fake cough. It's cute.

You finally reached your foot today. You've been staring at your feet for weeks but you finally grabbed it today.

You've been sleeping through the night for the last two nights. I'm not thinking it will be the end of the night feedings but it's a nice break!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.31.09

You're laughing more now... that's not saying you're laughing a lot, just more. We're still having problems with bedtime. I'm just trying to accept that you're going to cry but it's hard hearing you night after night.

You're eating lots of new foods- carrots, peas, bananas, and sweet potatoes. You're a great eater! :)

You stayed with your grandparents last night- you decided to be a night owl... up from 11 to 2 am! Good grief! You were a bit of a stinker to get down tonight but hopefully you're done waking up.

We met a new friend today! Jessica and her little boy, Finn. They're really nice and I hope to get to know them better!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.28.09

I've learned that I should just accept that you'll cry when I put you down... It's working- you've only cried one of the last three nights.

You're four and a half months old now. You're learning to play with toys and you spend all day interacting with me. It's amazing to watch you grow.

I love you so much. I find myself tearful at the silliest things these days. Your smile alone makes me cry some days.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.26.09

It's nine pm and you're still asleep! I just accepted today that you were just going to cry and you didn't AT ALL!

Now that I've written this, you'll be up a hundred times tonight... :)

I hope so much that we've finally gotten this bedtime thing figured out.

You're laughing more often but not all the time yet... Hopefully that will happen in the coming days.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.22.09

There are no moments anymore that are truly mine... It's a hard thing to adjust to. When I think you're asleep and I can finally relax- you wake up and cry. It's constantly a battle, the sleeping. Still. A lot of days I'm at my wits end. I have sores on my hands from washing your bottles and bowls and spoons once, sometimes twice, a day. Sometimes I'm just tired.

I hope that this doesn't make me a bad mother... I hope it doesn't. I'm afraid to say it anywhere but here. I don't want people to think that I don't love you or that I don't love you enough. I love you so much it takes my breath away sometimes. But sometimes, I'm just tired. But more than that, I love you.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.21.09

We've had your new bedtime routine for almost three weeks... In some ways I feel like it isn't working. It makes me feel like a bad mother. Like I'm not doing something right. You cry for 20 minutes or more almost every night. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's really bothering me. I wish I could fix it.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.20.09

There are days that I wish you knew how to talk already. Today is one of them. You were SO fussy this afternoon! I put you in bed at six you were so upset! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.18.09

Today was a huge day!! You had your four month check-up and got some shots. Again, you were a champ. A little more fussy than at your two month but you still did great! You are now 25 inches tall- over two feet! And you weigh 16 pounds 5 ounces. You are getting so big! Also, you had your first vegetable today- carrots! You really seemed to like them. Your Daddy took some awesome pictures. You've been eating cereal for a couple of weeks but the veggies were a first today.

You continue to amaze me every day. I never knew that I'd so look forward to getting up every morning. You have absolutely changed my life. I want every day to be a better person so that I can teach you to be the best little boy and man that I can . I've never been so inspired in all my life. It is truly beautiful.
Your Dad doesn't write but that's okay- he feels the exact same way. I hope for you that one day you'll have the honor of being someone's father. Being a parent truly is an honor. Thank you for being born.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.15.09

You laughed for me yesterday... It was the most wonderful sound. I can't wait for you to do it all the time! You're being stubborn though! Again, like I always say, you're getting so big!

Being your Mom is both so rewarding and so thankless... when you have kids you'll understand. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

You have your four month check-up on Monday. I'm hoping you'll be the champ you were at your two month. I have lots of questions for Dr. Wells... like how do I get you to nap in your bed?

Naps are still a HUGE issue for you- you fight sleep until I basically strong arm you to sleep. Lots of rocking and butt-pats. :)

You're sleeping pretty well in your bed at night. No more crying for what seems like forever, but you wake more often before ten pm. We'll get it all figured out...

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.12.09

It's been too long since I've written last. You're still growing so fast it's unbelievable! You'll be four months old tomorrow. You're getting huge! You're cooing and smiling all the time. You're such a happy baby. You're a little demanding- you know what you want whether it's to be held or fed or anything else, you know how to let us know.

I'm so proud of you and the little boy you're becoming! I never knew that I could be so happy!

I love you Parker!

Mommy

5.04.09

This is your third night in your bed. You barely cried at all! Seriously, you cried for about two minutes. You got turned all crazy in your crib and had your feet hanging out and I think that's what upset you more than anything. There's a part of me that really misses having you in bed with me but I'm so proud of you!

That's about it for tonight, I'm beat!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

5.03.09

Last night went so well! After you fell asleep you only got up at your normal times and went right back down! I'm worried that tonight is going to be more difficult now that you know what's coming but I'm staying positive. :)

I, on the other hand, slept horribly. I think it was after midnight before I finally went to sleep... It's hard for me to not be right next to you and hear you breathing.

This is the best thing for all of us though and eventually we'll all adjust. Being a Mom is much harder emotionally than I ever thought. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm so proud of you!

I love you Parker!

Mommy

5.02.09

I told you in my last entry that I was going to do everything I could to keep you from crying yourself to sleep. After yesterday's visit to Dr. Wells because you refused to eat so that you wouldn't go to sleep the strategy had to change.

She, having 3 boys of her own and being a really awesome doctor so far, said that it's best to let you cry it out. You cried for just over 30 minutes. That was 3 hours ago. Now I can't sleep.

I'm writing this in the light from the tv so I don't wake you or your Daddy up.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

4.29.09

I love you. And I want you to sleep in your own bed. Saturday is the day. Please don't fight me.

I love you and I'm doing everything I can to keep you from crying-it-out but we can't have you sleeping with us anymore. Please work with me.

I love you Parker!
Mommy