Saturday, August 29, 2009


You started saying 'dada' yesterday. I'm so proud of you. I'm always so proud. I love you so much. You have been the greatest gift I could have ever been given. Don't ever, for a moment, think that you aren't the most wonderful, perfect little boy in the world to me. Soon, I'll be telling you how proud I am of the man you're becoming. This time is so fleeting, I'm afraid to miss a minute.

Tonight and tomorrow are difficult days for me. I hope you never have to understand why. I was pregnant once before you. That baby didn't make it. I had a miscarriage. If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have you. I'm so thankful to have you. Don't ever think that I'm not. Tomorrow would have been 'clyde's' first birthday. It's so hard- I'm so conflicted... I'm crying for that baby tonight but I know I get to wake up and have you in the morning. I wish we could both just sleep through tomorrow. Wake up and it be Saturday.

But we can't, so I'll be sad tomorrow. I'm going to buy yellow flowers tomorrow because I've always felt like that was clyde's favorite color, or would have been.

Your Grandmama sent me yellow roses when you were born... I felt like clyde was giving it's blessing for you.

It's so hard, missing someone I lost, though if I hadn't lost them I wouldn't have you.

I just went inside and checked on you-sleeping on your tummy now, like your Mommy... You are perfect. In every way.

I'm so sorry I'm going to waste a day of our lives feeling bad.

I love you Parker.

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