2.18.10

Tonight's entry is going to be short. I had my gall bladder surgery today. Everything went well. I'm pretty sore but not as bad as I expected so that's good.

You've been super affectionate the last two days. I think you could tell that I've been nervous. You've been kissing me like crazy. Thank you for being so sweet.

You're at your Grandmama and Grandaddy's house tonight so I can get some rest. Please sleep well for them.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.14.10

Happy Valentine's Day Parker! It's your 2nd. I don't remember what we did last year. Oh yeah I do actually! Molly came over and we cooked dinner. And then we had to go to bed before we ate because dinner took to long! Funny, I'd forgotten all about that.

You're walking better every day, even trying to run at times. It's so amazing to watch you grow and change. You are changing direction more quickly. It's adorable to watch.

We finally had your one year pictures done. And again, I had to sing. I guess that's just going to be a staple of picture taking from now on.

You're babbling all the time but other than 'mama' and 'dada' you don't have a lot of words. I'm guessing that's normal.

 My surgery is in four days. I'm getting a bit nervous. I'll be fine, I just hope it isn't too big a disruption for you. I won't be able to pick you up for a bit. I'm nervous about that. We're kinda close. :)

That's it for today. I hope you sleep well tonight, you didn't go right to sleep when I put you down.

 I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.12.10

The countdown is on... six days until my surgery. I'm nervous, for me and for you. Please don't think I don't love you, I just won't be able to pick you up for a bit. I'm doing this for all of us, so I can be healthier.

You'll be 13 months old tomorrow. I can't believe a year ago you were this little, tiny, helpless boy. You slept with us every night and we fed you every two hours. Now you're walking and babbling and eating people food! You love waffles and yogurt. Some days we have eggs too. Lunch is my next meal to conquer. You really do enjoy eating so I think we'll do fine.

We had you out for a long time at the hotel today. You, as usual, did beautifully. Even tired you're a charmer. Having you around gives me a glimpse of what it would be like to be a celebrity. Everyone wants to look at you and talk to you. And you always flash a smile. It makes me such a proud Mommy.

You're trying to run these days which is resulting in a lot of falls. Don't worry, you'll get it.

I'm so tired and we have a big day tomorrow. Pictures!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.8.10

I'm ten days away from having surgery. I wish it was tomorrow. P, I feel so yucky. I can hardly eat. I know that the days following my surgery are going to be a bit confusing and difficult for you. Daddy is going to have to do most of your bedtime. He'll have to pick you up and hand you to me. But don't worry, it will only be temporary.

You are getting so good at walking! You can even pick up speed and chase me and your Daddy. It's adorable!

We MUST work on the sippy! I can't have you drinking out of a bottle until you're 30! It makes me feel like a bad mommy. I really want you to transition well.

I'm so sorry I'm too tired to write more. I'll be feeling better soon.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.7.10

You're all over the place these days. I finally broke down and bought a baby gate to keep you out of our room. There's just too much stuff in there that can hurt you.

I have to have surgery in eleven days. They're taking out my gall bladder. It's been acting up again here lately so we decided to go on and do the surgery before you're old enough to remember it. I'm a little nervous but it will be okay.

We HAVE to start using sippys. I know you're not going to like it but I can't have you taking bottles for the rest of your life. We can do it, I know we can.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

2.6.10

We've had a couple of bad nights with you in the last week. Waking between 8 and 9:30 crying really bad. I think you were having bad dreams about being sick. Hopefully it's over now.

You went to MacKenzie's 1st birthday party today. She kissed you again, like at your party. But again no one had a camera handy so I'm writing it down here so we don't forget.

Your hair is starting to curl, like mine. Oh P, I hope you don't have curly hair, it's so much to deal with. Though it's adorable right now.

Today is another one of Mommy's bad days. Today is the 2nd anniversary of when your big brother or sister was taken from us. I know I couldn't have you if I hadn't lost that baby and knowing that eases some of the pain.

Something else good that happened today! Your Aunt Velika felt the baby in her tummy move for the first time today. I can't wait to see if she's going to have a little girl or boy for you and MacKenzie to play with. She finds out ome month from today. I'm so excited for her!

It's late and you'll be up early.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.30.10

So you're getting better, slowly. Another yucky diaper this morning. Boy did we have some drama when you got up! The electricity went out! Your Grandaddy had to come get us at 5:30 this morning. We stayed until about ten so I could wait for the house to warm back up.

I'm so exhausted from you being sick and being stuck in the house from all the snow.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.29.10

You've given your Daddy and I quite a scare. You've gotten your first real stomach bug. You had horrible diarrea yesterday. You had no life this morning. Your eyes looked tired, your color was bad, and you were adamant that I, only I, hold you. You spent a couple of hours in and out of sleep. I was so scared we'd end up in the emergency room. You were so dehydrated.

We finally got you to eat some plain rice cereal with bananas. Afterward you started taking bottles again. Half formula and half pedialyte. We thought you were in the clear until late this afternoon. Another wet poop. Now you have horrible diaper rash. It looks like someone beat your bottom with a belt. It looks so angry.

I'm hoping that you'll be better in the morning. It's snowing. Really snowing. I want to take you out and let you experience snow for the first time. I've already taken lots of pictures for you but I want you to see it for yourself.

I'll write more tomorrow night, these last two days have worn me thin. I'm afraid I feel a migrane coming on.:(

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.23.10

We went to your cousin Carson's birthday party today. There were a bunch of kids so I figure you'll be sick by morning. :( I just sort of have a feeling.

There's lots going on right now, not all good. I'm waiting to write more in here until I know more.

You're walking really well. You laugh and smile pretty much all the time. It's great. You make me so proud.

It's been a long day so I need to get some rest.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.20.10

It's official, you're walking. You're going from the den to the kitchen a lot. You are steadier on your feet each time you walk. I can't believe how fast it's all happened.

Wish Mommy luck tomorrow. I have to have some tests run to see if my gall bladder is bad enough to remove. I don't necessarily want to have surgery but I'm tired of having belly problems.

Lots to do tomorrow and I'm really tired tonight. I'll write more when I know more.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.18.10

You had your one year check up today. You're 29 3/4 inches long and 23 lbs 3 oz. A far cry from my 20 in, 7.7 1/2 lb baby. You're developing exactly on shcedule. You're taking lots of steps on your own. You walked from the coffee table almost to the tv by yourself today. BIG BOY!

Things are about to change drastically here soon... We're going to try dairy again. You need to be totally off the bottle in six weeks and then we get started on giving up the paci.

There will be some bumps in the road along the way. We'll get through it though. It's all part of being a big boy.

I'm so proud of you. You are the best little guy in the world!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.15.10

Tomorrow is your birthday party! I have so much work to do but I'm going to bed soon so I'm rested for the festivities. Hopefully you won't wake at some ungodly hour in the morning.

I'm writing to let you know that you're taking more and more steps now. Three or four at a time. It's amazing. Not six months ago you were just learning to sit unassisted. You are simply amazing. You grow and learn more and more each day.

 You still aren't sure about your Grandpa Billy, or PawPaw, or Papa, whatever he choses to be called in a given moment. I think that's part of the problem.

Its only a couple of more days. There is so much going on with you right now that it's probably hard to add a new parson to the mix, that's what I'm thinking anyway.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.13.10

It's your first birthday. I cannot believe we've made it this far. There's still a part of me that's afraid you'll be taken from me. I know that's 'crazy mommy'. I don't like being afraid of those things but they're there.

So on to the good stuff... You're growing more and more brave every day. Crawling off without me or your Daddy. Constantly exploring. I've had to velcro the kitchen cabinets closed so you can't smash your fingers.

You're standing unassisted for minutes now. You're so close to walking. I'm in no rush. Take your time. :)

I love you so much. Your Daddy and I have been talking all day about what we were doing this time last year.

Right now it's 9:45 pm. My epidural (the medicine that made labor not hurt) had stopped working. In that moment, I just wanted the pain to stop. It was frightening how bad I hurt. In retrospect, the pain was completely worth it. I was completely present for your birth. I felt everything in those last two and a half hours. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

You were totally alert from the moment you were born. Making sounds and eye contact. You were perfect.

You still are.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.11.10

Not a lot going on today aside from preparations for your party. Mom and I went and bought plates and balloons for your party. Invitations are being recieved, we're ordering your cake on Wednesday. Your Grandpa Billy arrives tomorrow night. We had the carpets cleaned today. There's still so much to be done!

As always, it will all work out. You are growing and becoming more wonderful by the day and that's all that counts.

You're taking steps unassisted. One here, two there. Not technically 'walking' yet but it's enough for me. You're moving so quickly these days.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.9.10

P, I don't think anyone could ever be more in love with a person as I am you. As the end of your first year draws nearer, I realize that I am so amazed at the person you're becoming. You're intelligent and independent, and kind. You are already a kind child. When the people in your life are having bad days, you are so affectionate. It's surprising to me the empathy you already seem to have.

I am so proud of you at every moment. You make all of my days better. I have made my peace with your need to wake up before the sun. I'd rather you sleep in but if this works better for you then we'll do it.

I love you so much. I'm trying to remember every little thing and I'm sure so much is getting forgotten. It's hard to keep up with you. You're growing so quickly.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.7.10

I'm sorry I didn't copy that email in here. I added it to your blog though.

In less than one week, you'll be my big boy! One year old! I'm so proud of you. Looking over this last year, how you've grown into the sweetest, silliest, most compassionate little guy. I really do love every day I have with you.

I do have one favor to ask though, STOP waking up at 3am. Sheesh! Stay asleep! Okay, rant over. :)

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.5.10

This is going to be a short entry. I'm just writing to say that I'll copy here an email I sent to your Aunt Kristen tomorrow.

I'm having some sad days recently. Lots to do with you no longer being my 'baby' after the 13th.

Here is the email:
I have the feeling a lot of the things I'm going to say in this may not make sense to you but you're my best friend. I need to say them somewhere and I know you'll listen. I'm so sad today. I spent the day cleaning Parker's room. Taking out the old toys and clothes he doesn't need anymore, preparing some for storage for *hopefully* the next baby and others for donation. I remember where I was today last year and today the year before that. I'll start with the year before...







We had just broken the news on Christmas Eve to the family that I was pregnant. So freaked out and excited. I couldn't believe that I had gotten pregnant in the first place and on the first try in the second. I was so filled with dreams and hopes and wondering what the baby would look like, how big my belly would get. I had almost constant heartburn and my boobs hurt so bad that I couldn't even look at them. I was *so* excited. I was having a hard time making the transition from 'bar' Allison to expectant mother. I was bored and sickish and excited. I was trying to keep my single friends. In less than a month later I'd find out that I could go back to the bar. That I could smoke again. That all of my hopes were dashed. There are certain days that are especically difficult. The fourth of Febuary, when I found out that the heartbeat was gone. The sixth of that month, when I essentially had to have an abortion because my body didn't want to give up the baby. The twenty-eighth of August when 'clyde' was supposed to be born. I know that I wouldn't have what I have now if I hadn't miscarried but it doesn't lessen the pain of knowing that I had *someone* inside me. Someone with a heartbeat. Someone that I was expecting to have a life ahead of them. I've heard all the lame consolations... 'It wasn't meant to happen. The baby might have been sick.. At least you know you can get pregnant.' All of those things are hurtful and throw the fact that I couldn't sustain that pregnancy in my face. I'm not looking for explanations anymore. There simply aren't any. So that was year before last. And I'm still sad some days because of it.






Then last year... This time last year I was literally days before delivering. I was HUGE. I was uncomfortable. Parker was a mover and a shaker. He used to rub his heel back and forth just under my ribcage for hours. I could feel him stretch and struggle to get comfortable. He was always happiest when I was poking at him. We used to play this game where he'd stick out a limb and I'd push it back. We would do it for forever. I was so ready to meet him but at the same time I had this sick feeling that even being 39 weeks pregnant I still wouldn't get to have a baby. It's a fear that only a woman who has miscarried has I think. I would go in his room and rearrange stuff and refold clothes because I felt like that's what I was 'supposed' to do. I would watch law and order for hours and nap and read the twilight books. I think I stayed in bed for days at a time. Oh and how I ate. Mom took me to all my favorite restaurants in the two weeks before Parker.






Now flash to this year. I have only days left with my baby. Next week he'll be my toddler. I'm not ready to have a toddler. I want him to be little and snuggly still. The hours fly by these days. A countdown I'm not looking forward to ending. I want a baby. I want Parker to still be my baby. He's needing me less and less these days. He is happiest playing alone now. Not games with mommy in her belly anymore. It's banging on the coffee table with whatever toys he has at hand. He's more and more mobile. He's now taking a step unassisted to other furnature. I think I misspelled that.






I can't believe that I've been through what I have in the last two years. I am so defined by both pregnancies. I have a pregnant friend right now and I feel like I just can't let go and breathe until she gets past thirteen weeks. I'm so worried for her, I know what can happen. Both good and bad. I'm so conflicted right now. I want to cry for so many different reasons. Some happy and some sad.
 
I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.4.10

I got the year right tonight... it's so strange to be in a new year. I look back on the one past and there's just so much. My life has become so full, so rich. A lot of my time last year was spent worrying whether or not I was a good enough Mom, if I was doing everything right...

This year will be spent much the same but I feel that I have a little experience now so the worries about being a bad Mom feel slightly less. Oh I'll still worry about it but I'm learning to trust myself more. And to follow your lead more at times. You just happen to know more about being a baby than I remember. :)

In the coming months, we'll be weaning formula, bottles, and baby food. I'm nervous but excited. You're getting so big! This time next year I hope to be explaining to you that you'll be a big brother. We just have to get your Daddy on board...

It's late and you're still insisting on waking up at or before 5 am. I love you so much. In less than ten days I'll have a toddler! I'm so proud of you!!

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.3.10

In ten days you'll be a year old. It's gone so quickly. You've grown so much. I wish I had some great profound things to say to you about your hitting the one year mark but I don't. Some days have been hard and long. Some have been fun and full of new experiences and passed too quickly.

You're still getting up insanely early. I'm just getting used to it I guess. Maybe one day you'll sleep until a more appropriate time.

I'm waiting on all of the things for your party. I have to order your cake next week.

I'm tired and will be getting up between four and five am.

I love you Parker!
Mommy

1.1.10

We entered a new year today, a new decade. Life is all so new to you. I don't think you can truly appreciate the passage of time.

For me, it is measured out in hours spent with you and hours spent without.

We've had two bad bedtimes in the last two days. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be easier. I so desperately need it to be.

 I need all the coming days to be easier but I doubt that wish is going to be granted. Your father and I have some hard times ahead. I promised you earlier that we'd always be together and I have no intention of breaking that promise.

 When you get older, you and I are going to have a candid, possibly uncomfortable conversation about how to be a husband. I hope you'll listen to me. I have a bit of experience.

 I love you more than the law should allow and I'm so proud of you!

By the way, you cut another tooth overnight. It is the one on the left beside your front tooth.

I love you Parker!
Mommy