Monday, October 4, 2010


Our house is now OUR house. It's a great feeling. You stayed with Grandmama and Grandaddy last night. Apparently you wanted to party all night. You didn't go down until 10! And then you woke up at 3, stayed up and hour and you were up for the day at 6.

You've already woken up once, crying, since we put you down an hour ago. Please sleep tonight. Tomorrow is Velika's baby shower and I really need to rest.


I love you Parker!


Tomorrow is the day! But that's not why I'm writing.

You did the sweetest thing with your Daddy today. We were hanging out before bedtime. You stood up, Daddy was laying in the floor. You grabbed his hand and pulled his hand until the two of you got over to your piano. You took his hand and started banging his hand on it. Then you started banging alongside him. It was precious. Simply amazing.

In lesser news, you held my hand walking to your bedroom for bedtime tonight. Again, simply breathtaking.

You are growing into such a happy, sweet little boy. You amaze me every day.

I love you Parker,


We're set to close on the house on Friday at 9am. We're pretty excited. :) This weekend is going to be super busy so I hope you'll be able to bear with us.

We have closing on Friday morning, you're staying with Grandmama and Grandaddy that night. Saturday we have to get the house together because on Sunday I'm throwing Velika her baby shower! You and Daddy will get to go hang out by yourselves for a bit that day.

I'm hoping you'll be okay through all the excitement. Next week will be back to normal.

I love you Parker!

Sunday, June 13, 2010


We're on our way to buying the house! We took a class today to help us get the loan for our house. We're set to close (officially buy) the house on Friday. We're very excited and very nervous. It's a really big deal.

You're just a barrel of monkeys! You are positively the silliest child I've ever known. We've been having you walk yourself to your bedroom or bathroom at night instead of carrying you. Tonight you came all the way to your bedroom and turned around and ran back to your Daddy in the kitchen. I managed to coax you back toward your bedroom again-almost. You turned and ran again, giggling the whole way. You ran into the den through the obstacle course of toys scattered about just cackling! So silly!

You're like this most of the time. An absolutely party to be around. I love you SO MUCH.

I love you Parker!


OH TEETH! You have all four top teeth, three on the bottom, and one molar (top left). Tonight when I was brushing and oragel-ing I found another molar almost through (bottom left) and another one's outside is coming through (top right). You're also still trying to cut your far right bottom tooth. I'm expecting your canines sometime soon. I hear that's NOT FUN. They're pointy. :(

You're so cuddly these days. You love to be read to. I hope that we're planting the seed for a lifelong hobby. Reading makes your life so much more rich. Anything you could wonder about, you can read about. It makes your view of life so much broader.

You had a meltdown at Panera today. NOT COOL. You're ordinarily so well behaved it was a shock to see you break down like that. I'm blaming it on teething, not a new norm.

I love you Parker.


Things are much better. We're getting accustomed to our new schedule. We're not quite as 'tired' of each other anymore. We've been going out to the grocery store and hanging out with your Grandmama some.

Today was a super fun day! Melissa and MacKenzie, Amanda, Shannon, and Velika came over for a bbq. We had burgers and hotdogs, grilled veggies, and roasted potatoes. You were having too much fun to eat much... silly willy. We went to the pool- you LOVED it! You cried when I took you out! I'm thinking we'll be spending lots of time down there this summer. Yay!

You're 16 months old today! Every day you amaze me more and more. You have the silliest disposition. You make me laugh all the time! We still don't have any more words yet but I have a feeling they're coming. You're about to cut two more molars. You have 8 teeth so far.

You eat pretty much anything I give you, even cheese finally! Yay! You prefer tomato sauces over everything else. I can't wait for you to be off of baby food altogether. It's my fault you still do jarred food at lunch. When you eat that stuff I know you're getting what you need. I don't always trust myself to know how to make nutritious food for you.

We're going to see your Great-Grandmama tomorrow. Please go to her, I think it hurts her feelings that you only want me when we're there.

I love you Parker!


I'm having a bad day. We're not used to spending this much time together. I'm so worried about having work to go back to. You aren't used to spending so much time with me. Also, your Dadddy is here more in the mornings but not so much during the day.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. You and Daddy already gave me my present. It's a necklace with your name, the year you were born, and your birthstone. *section purposely left out*

I've actually asked to spend the day in bed. We're so wrung out, you and I, the stress of work being flooded and my just being home is wearing on us.

I love you so much. We're just not used to spending this much time together.

Things are stressful right now. It doesn't mean I don't love you.... Don't ever feel that way.

I love you Parker!


We donated your clothes today! Six boxes! A little box of toys. Mommy and Daddy put together a HUGE bag of clothes. Your Grandmama and Grandaddy even chipped in 3 bags. YAY!

Today we're going to donate your last box of formula and some sippys! YAY!

When times are difficult it is absolutely imperative that you take stock of your situation and see what you have to give. It helps tremendously to give what you can when you can. It reminds you to be thankful for what you have and to be mindful that there are always people you can help.

This is one of the most basic lessons I want you to learn. To be giving, generous. You already share your food with me. You're going to be great at sharing your heart when you're older!

I love you Parker!


Lots of bad stuff has happened in the last couple of days. A good portion of Nashville has flooded, including the hotel your Daddy and I work at. One day I'll show you pictures. It truly is a disaster. So far, your Daddy and I both have our jobs. I'm pretty sure that your Daddy will keep his job completely. Next week I'm going to start looking for a new job. It's sort of scary, I've worked at one place for the last seven and a half years. I'm still looking for a place to donate your clothes.

I have some pretty exciting news, you had your hair cut for the first time yesterday! You look adorable! You were such a big boy. I'll put pictures up on your blog.

I love you Parker!


The last two days have been absolutely terrifying. We've had record flooding here. Over 10 inches of rain fell in less than 48 hours. Most interstates are closed, hundreds of roads closed. So many people have lost everything. Luckily, we're safe. We're dry and we have power. We have food, you have food. We're okay.

I'm going to work hard tomorrow to see where we can donate your clothes and some of our old clothes to people who've lost everything.

It is truly a disaster. And what you must do in a disaster is to first, make sure that family and friends are okay and second, do what you can to help those in need. And that's what we'll do in the coming days.

Know that I love you and I'm so glad that we're all okay.

I love you Parker!

Sunday, April 25, 2010


We're on day 3 of no Daddy at bedtime. You went down really well so I'm a little afraid of what the night will bring.

Today I realized that one day I won't be the most important person in your life. You're going to have a best friend and later (hopefully later), a girlfriend. Those days are going to crush me. But it will be good. It will mean that I've raised a boy other boys will like and a boy someday a girl will love.

It's the days I find myself counting down time until bedtime that I kick myself after I've put you down. I can't get any of these minutes back. I think that's why I write this to you.

You're understanding more and more every day. You understand what I'm saying to you. Wow. I hope you understand how much I love you.

Sleep well.

I love you Parker!


It was sort of a stormy day. We ended up spending most of the day at your Grandparent's.

You waved 'bye' to the cashier at Publix this morning. YAY! You continued to wave all day. You were so proud of yourself!
Teething is going *okay*. You were pretty crabby this morning. I think we got ahead of the pain with your second dose of tylenol. I feel so awful for you. I wish it didn't hurt so much.

Today is day 2 of Daddy working at night. I have a feeling that tomorrow's bedtime is going to be rough. We just have to get through tomorrow and Monday. Then you'll get to spend all day Tuesday with him.

Please sleep well tonight.

I love you Parker!


Oh teeth! You're working on getting more. I think you're doing well. You're just a little grumpy during the day. You slept all night last night. I hope you do it again tonight.

 You're getting so big. Just watching you every day, it's amazing. You smile and laugh. You clap and 'wash your hands'-it's this motion where you rub your palms together up and down like you're wiping off your hands. You shake your head 'no'. You run. It is so adorable, it's sort of a stumbly run but it's yours.

You dislike walking in grass, you get so focused and really swing your arms back and forth hard. You have a look of total concentration on your face. One day, it will all be so easy. Walking, running, being silly. I'm loving watching it be challenging.

I love watching you learn things. You're facinated when Daddy does 'Johnny pick 'em up' on the counter. You try to mimic his hand moving. It's beautiful.

It's going to be a stormy day tomorrow. We may go up and stay with Grandmama and Grandaddy.

Please stay asleep tonight.

I love you Parker!


The last couple of days have been really difficult. We were scared that we might not get to buy this house. Now, we're scared (happily so) that it's really going to happen. Lots of tears and fears.

Last night my friend, Kim, stayed with us. She and her boyfriend split up. That put even MORE stress on all of us. You woke up at 11:30 pm and cried and cried. I'm not sure if it was all the stress plus the fact that youre getting MORE teeth. I'm also not sure that any of us got more than minutes of sleep at a time.

I'm really hoping you'll get your rest tonight and we'll be able to get ours. I love you so much and I'm SO TIRED.

I love you Parker!


I have been super bad about writing lately. We've been busy. You run now. It's cute. Kind of like an old drunk guy. We took you outside after dinner and you fell twice. Scraped knees but you're fine.

You are getting so silly! Always making silly sounds, gurgling, and making fart sounds. You walk around doing this 'singing' kind of noise. You don't seem interested in saying real words at all. But you're constantly chattering.

And you're into everything! Your Daddy and I were trying to get us all packed for our wedding anniversary, we stayed at Opryland and you stayed with your Grandmama and Grandaddy. We took our eyes off of you for a second- you opened a bottle of your baby soap and spilled it all over a shelf on the bookcase in your room and then you were rubbing it all around the shelf with both hands! It was the biggest mess, I think we may have ruined our comforter. Oops. There was soap all over the bottom of a basket, we didn't know. You were so proud of yourself. It was really funny.

I love you Parker!


Wow teething. You're trying to cut two teeth on the bottom in the front-on either side of the two you have now and a molar. On Tylenol, you're fine. No tylenol or nap... Your prebirth nickname 'monster baby' comes to mind. I called you 'monster baby' when you were in my belly because you made me so sick. It was cute then. It's not cute now.

We went to the Southern Women's Show today. You were tired when we went. You had a total meltdown and finally passed out. You went down really easily tonight. I hope you sleep straight through.

We're going to buy the house we're living in, hopefully. Your Daddy is working as hard as he can to get this place to be ours. I'm really excited and nervous.

Tomorrow I'll make sure you get a proper nap, I promise.

**added as I type this: I wanted you to see what you looked like on your 2nd Easter, so that's the picture at the bottom.**

I love you Parker!

Monday, April 5, 2010


Things are looking pretty okay for us to buy this house. I'm cautiously optimistic... I want to stay here so bad. I love it here, it's where we brought you home. I'm hoping it can also be where we bring your baby brother or sister home too.

Your Daddy and I are in negotiations about when that might happen. I'm pretty determined.

We went to the park today. We didn't get to swing, to many babies there. You fell down in the sand. Oh you were covered! You went down the slide a couple of times, you didn't seem impressed.

You're wearing 18 month clothes pretty consistently now. I had to buy you new shoes today- a size 5! Bigfoot! :)

I love you Parker!


You scraped up your knees for the first time today. Grandmama and Grandaddy had you outside and you got away from them. You ran toward the flower bed in the backyard and didn't see the brick edging. You're okay, just a couple of scratches. They won't be your last.

We're going to Dragon Park with Melissa and MacKenzie tomorrow. Yay! I plan on taking lots of pictures!

I love you Parker!


It's been too long since I wrote last. We've been super busy. You're running almost! You're becoming sillier and silllier! Everything seems to crack you up.

I think you're cutting a molar. I hope so much that it comes in easily. Getting your front teeth in was just awful.

On Sunday, we went to the Frist Center, a museum. You really were a great little guy! On Monday you tasted your first bite of a hot dog- bad mommy! But you didn't seem too interested. You seem to prefer yummy, healthy food. Great!

I'll try to write more tomorrow!

I love you Parker!


We're going to have to move your bedtime back. It's still daylight when I put you down and you're fussing yourself to sleep. I think if we push it back to when it's dark, meaning eventually 8 pm, you'll go to sleep more easily. You also seem to have bad dreams at night, you cry out in the middle of the night. I don't want you to have bad dreams.

We went to the park with Amanda, Aidan, and MacKenzie yesterday. You LOVE the swings. Not so keen on the grass. Maybe when it's not so dead and crunchy.

You're having temper tantrums. I don't quite know how to handle them. But we've got to get a handle on them. I'm not going to have you melting down whenever you don't get your way. We'll get it figured out.

I love you Parker!


Happy St. Patrick's Day! You had the cutest shirt on today. It said 'ShamRocker'. I'm going to put it on you again and mohawk your hair and take pictures. It's going to be so cute! You're really going to hate all these pictures when you're older I bet. It's hard not to constantly photograph you. You do it so well! :)
I'm working four days a week now. You'll adjust. We just need to make more money. Hopefully. I'm looking forward to spending Saturday with you.

I love you Parker!


We had a pretty good day today. You went and stayed with your Great-Grandparents for a while so I go grocery shopping.

 You are not liking the time change- Daylight Savings Time kind of sucks when you're a baby. You woke up pissed at midnight last night and I'm not positive you're asleep now. Please sleep. We all need our rest.

I'm a little upset with you... You seem to hate my cooking. I don't know what else to make. Your Daddy is the chef and it's pretty much agreed we'd all rather eat his food but you have to eat dinner!

I love you Parker!


You're 14 months old today! So big! What all are you doing right now? Walking. Everywhere. You're starting to run. You love to be chased around. You have this deep belly laugh when you're being chased. You love tickles. You're giving more kisses when you're asked for them.

Still not talking much, 'mama' and 'dada' a lot. You're starting to get frustrated when I can't figure out what you want. I wish you'd pick up pointing.

 You love to open and close doors and drawers. You push the kitchen chairs around a lot. You still love the jumperoo.You love to have your picture taken. And the camera loves you.

You're eating more table food. And you'll be drinking milk only here soon. Your bottles are 3/4 milk now.

You're wearing me out. Your energy is boundless. Mommy needs naps. :)

It's been a LONG day today. You were grumpy all day and I've been tired. Hopefully tomorrow will be warmer and sunny.  Hopefully we can get out of the house.

I love you Parker!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Today has been a bad day, no- a horrible day.... * the rest of the entry is left out to protect my family's privacy* It will be edited at a later date.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


Today was a big day! You both took your first swing at the park and your first bath in the big boy tub.

You loved both! I'm going to let the pictures do the talking... It's been a long day. I promise to write more tomorrow.

I love you Parker!


Time is flying! You're almost 14 months. It's crazy to think you've been here with us for so long.

You were a stinker today. Not a happy day for you. I think we're getting off our schedule and it's really starting to bother you. I've been home for two weeks, your Daddy was home for a week of it. We've been stuck inside all winter because it's been SO COLD. Normally winters here are mild with some really warm days in January and February. Not this year. It's been awful.

It's supposed to be warm this weekend, I can't wait! I'm taking you out for a walk. YAY!

I love you Parker!


We finished buying your summer clothes today. You're all stocked up! We also went by the hotel today and saw Velika, Kim, Christina, and Rey. They all think you're the cutest little guy ever. I think so too. :)
I have to get better at cooking dinner. After the week your Daddy stayed home with us, you're kind of demanding it. I promise I'll try harder.

That's about it for tonight.

I love you Parker!


We have cabin fever. It's been so cold this winter, I just had surgery last week, and money is tight right now. So we're a bit bored. I'm so ready for spring! Ready for walks around the neighborhood, playing in the yard.

We hung out with your Great-Grandparents today for a while, the your Grandparents and your Aunt & Uncle. Christi loves you so much. And you seem to really love her too. So I'm thinking about letting her keep you a Saturday or two. What do you think?

Well, tomorrow is going to be another day stuck inside. :( Gotta rest up!

I love you Parker!


You spent a couple of hours at your Great-Grandmama's house this afternoon. They love you so much. It's wonderful to see you developing a relationship with them. They are so important to me.

Today is one of those days I'm really enjoying being a Mom. You are a beautiful child. Not just physically, your personality is beautiful. You are such a happy person. You smile and laugh so much more that you don't. You go out of your way to make me and your Daddy smile. It makes me proud that we've built an environment for you that makes you want to smile as much as you do. It makes me feel like we're doing things right.

I've said to other people before but I'm not sure I've written it down in here. I realized when I became a Mom that, in order to raise a son I could be proud of, I had to become someone I was proud of. I'm doing it more and more each day. I hope I make you proud.

I love you Parker!


Sorry I haven't written before now. I've been busy recovering. Daddy has been doing the bulk of your care the last four days. Feedings, putting you down for maps, baths, and bedtime. It has been wonderful. You've responded so well!
Here's a cute Parker story... we've taught you how to growl. Sort of. It's more like a sigh but with a growl sound. You put your head forward a bit and wiggle your eyebrows and and go 'uuuhhhaaa'. It's freaking hilarious!

You're walking everywhere, even stopping to pick things up and the standing back up.

I moved all your books today hoping you'd stop throwing them all over the floor. No suck luck. Now they're all over a different part of the den.

You're sleeping later in the morning. We've figured out how to do this. Dinner! Real, family, dinner. You were waking up so early because you were hungry!

Okay, now for the less than awesome stuff. You have a black eye, sort of. You hit yourself in the corner of the eye with your clothes basket last night when I was putting your clothes in the washer. Then tonight you fell and hit your cheek on my forehead. I was laying on my back and you were standing over me and you fell. Your cheek hit my forehead. So it looks like you have a black eye. :( I'm taking a picture of it tomorrow.

I love you Parker!

Saturday, February 20, 2010


Tonight's entry is going to be short. I had my gall bladder surgery today. Everything went well. I'm pretty sore but not as bad as I expected so that's good.

You've been super affectionate the last two days. I think you could tell that I've been nervous. You've been kissing me like crazy. Thank you for being so sweet.

You're at your Grandmama and Grandaddy's house tonight so I can get some rest. Please sleep well for them.

I love you Parker!


Happy Valentine's Day Parker! It's your 2nd. I don't remember what we did last year. Oh yeah I do actually! Molly came over and we cooked dinner. And then we had to go to bed before we ate because dinner took to long! Funny, I'd forgotten all about that.

You're walking better every day, even trying to run at times. It's so amazing to watch you grow and change. You are changing direction more quickly. It's adorable to watch.

We finally had your one year pictures done. And again, I had to sing. I guess that's just going to be a staple of picture taking from now on.

You're babbling all the time but other than 'mama' and 'dada' you don't have a lot of words. I'm guessing that's normal.

 My surgery is in four days. I'm getting a bit nervous. I'll be fine, I just hope it isn't too big a disruption for you. I won't be able to pick you up for a bit. I'm nervous about that. We're kinda close. :)

That's it for today. I hope you sleep well tonight, you didn't go right to sleep when I put you down.

 I love you Parker!


The countdown is on... six days until my surgery. I'm nervous, for me and for you. Please don't think I don't love you, I just won't be able to pick you up for a bit. I'm doing this for all of us, so I can be healthier.

You'll be 13 months old tomorrow. I can't believe a year ago you were this little, tiny, helpless boy. You slept with us every night and we fed you every two hours. Now you're walking and babbling and eating people food! You love waffles and yogurt. Some days we have eggs too. Lunch is my next meal to conquer. You really do enjoy eating so I think we'll do fine.

We had you out for a long time at the hotel today. You, as usual, did beautifully. Even tired you're a charmer. Having you around gives me a glimpse of what it would be like to be a celebrity. Everyone wants to look at you and talk to you. And you always flash a smile. It makes me such a proud Mommy.

You're trying to run these days which is resulting in a lot of falls. Don't worry, you'll get it.

I'm so tired and we have a big day tomorrow. Pictures!

I love you Parker!


I'm ten days away from having surgery. I wish it was tomorrow. P, I feel so yucky. I can hardly eat. I know that the days following my surgery are going to be a bit confusing and difficult for you. Daddy is going to have to do most of your bedtime. He'll have to pick you up and hand you to me. But don't worry, it will only be temporary.

You are getting so good at walking! You can even pick up speed and chase me and your Daddy. It's adorable!

We MUST work on the sippy! I can't have you drinking out of a bottle until you're 30! It makes me feel like a bad mommy. I really want you to transition well.

I'm so sorry I'm too tired to write more. I'll be feeling better soon.

I love you Parker!


You're all over the place these days. I finally broke down and bought a baby gate to keep you out of our room. There's just too much stuff in there that can hurt you.

I have to have surgery in eleven days. They're taking out my gall bladder. It's been acting up again here lately so we decided to go on and do the surgery before you're old enough to remember it. I'm a little nervous but it will be okay.

We HAVE to start using sippys. I know you're not going to like it but I can't have you taking bottles for the rest of your life. We can do it, I know we can.

I love you Parker!


We've had a couple of bad nights with you in the last week. Waking between 8 and 9:30 crying really bad. I think you were having bad dreams about being sick. Hopefully it's over now.

You went to MacKenzie's 1st birthday party today. She kissed you again, like at your party. But again no one had a camera handy so I'm writing it down here so we don't forget.

Your hair is starting to curl, like mine. Oh P, I hope you don't have curly hair, it's so much to deal with. Though it's adorable right now.

Today is another one of Mommy's bad days. Today is the 2nd anniversary of when your big brother or sister was taken from us. I know I couldn't have you if I hadn't lost that baby and knowing that eases some of the pain.

Something else good that happened today! Your Aunt Velika felt the baby in her tummy move for the first time today. I can't wait to see if she's going to have a little girl or boy for you and MacKenzie to play with. She finds out ome month from today. I'm so excited for her!

It's late and you'll be up early.

I love you Parker!


So you're getting better, slowly. Another yucky diaper this morning. Boy did we have some drama when you got up! The electricity went out! Your Grandaddy had to come get us at 5:30 this morning. We stayed until about ten so I could wait for the house to warm back up.

I'm so exhausted from you being sick and being stuck in the house from all the snow.

I love you Parker!


You've given your Daddy and I quite a scare. You've gotten your first real stomach bug. You had horrible diarrea yesterday. You had no life this morning. Your eyes looked tired, your color was bad, and you were adamant that I, only I, hold you. You spent a couple of hours in and out of sleep. I was so scared we'd end up in the emergency room. You were so dehydrated.

We finally got you to eat some plain rice cereal with bananas. Afterward you started taking bottles again. Half formula and half pedialyte. We thought you were in the clear until late this afternoon. Another wet poop. Now you have horrible diaper rash. It looks like someone beat your bottom with a belt. It looks so angry.

I'm hoping that you'll be better in the morning. It's snowing. Really snowing. I want to take you out and let you experience snow for the first time. I've already taken lots of pictures for you but I want you to see it for yourself.

I'll write more tomorrow night, these last two days have worn me thin. I'm afraid I feel a migrane coming on.:(

I love you Parker!


We went to your cousin Carson's birthday party today. There were a bunch of kids so I figure you'll be sick by morning. :( I just sort of have a feeling.

There's lots going on right now, not all good. I'm waiting to write more in here until I know more.

You're walking really well. You laugh and smile pretty much all the time. It's great. You make me so proud.

It's been a long day so I need to get some rest.

I love you Parker!


It's official, you're walking. You're going from the den to the kitchen a lot. You are steadier on your feet each time you walk. I can't believe how fast it's all happened.

Wish Mommy luck tomorrow. I have to have some tests run to see if my gall bladder is bad enough to remove. I don't necessarily want to have surgery but I'm tired of having belly problems.

Lots to do tomorrow and I'm really tired tonight. I'll write more when I know more.

I love you Parker!

Friday, February 19, 2010


You had your one year check up today. You're 29 3/4 inches long and 23 lbs 3 oz. A far cry from my 20 in, 7.7 1/2 lb baby. You're developing exactly on shcedule. You're taking lots of steps on your own. You walked from the coffee table almost to the tv by yourself today. BIG BOY!

Things are about to change drastically here soon... We're going to try dairy again. You need to be totally off the bottle in six weeks and then we get started on giving up the paci.

There will be some bumps in the road along the way. We'll get through it though. It's all part of being a big boy.

I'm so proud of you. You are the best little guy in the world!

I love you Parker!


Tomorrow is your birthday party! I have so much work to do but I'm going to bed soon so I'm rested for the festivities. Hopefully you won't wake at some ungodly hour in the morning.

I'm writing to let you know that you're taking more and more steps now. Three or four at a time. It's amazing. Not six months ago you were just learning to sit unassisted. You are simply amazing. You grow and learn more and more each day.

 You still aren't sure about your Grandpa Billy, or PawPaw, or Papa, whatever he choses to be called in a given moment. I think that's part of the problem.

Its only a couple of more days. There is so much going on with you right now that it's probably hard to add a new parson to the mix, that's what I'm thinking anyway.

I love you Parker!


It's your first birthday. I cannot believe we've made it this far. There's still a part of me that's afraid you'll be taken from me. I know that's 'crazy mommy'. I don't like being afraid of those things but they're there.

So on to the good stuff... You're growing more and more brave every day. Crawling off without me or your Daddy. Constantly exploring. I've had to velcro the kitchen cabinets closed so you can't smash your fingers.

You're standing unassisted for minutes now. You're so close to walking. I'm in no rush. Take your time. :)

I love you so much. Your Daddy and I have been talking all day about what we were doing this time last year.

Right now it's 9:45 pm. My epidural (the medicine that made labor not hurt) had stopped working. In that moment, I just wanted the pain to stop. It was frightening how bad I hurt. In retrospect, the pain was completely worth it. I was completely present for your birth. I felt everything in those last two and a half hours. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

You were totally alert from the moment you were born. Making sounds and eye contact. You were perfect.

You still are.

I love you Parker!


Not a lot going on today aside from preparations for your party. Mom and I went and bought plates and balloons for your party. Invitations are being recieved, we're ordering your cake on Wednesday. Your Grandpa Billy arrives tomorrow night. We had the carpets cleaned today. There's still so much to be done!

As always, it will all work out. You are growing and becoming more wonderful by the day and that's all that counts.

You're taking steps unassisted. One here, two there. Not technically 'walking' yet but it's enough for me. You're moving so quickly these days.

I love you Parker!


P, I don't think anyone could ever be more in love with a person as I am you. As the end of your first year draws nearer, I realize that I am so amazed at the person you're becoming. You're intelligent and independent, and kind. You are already a kind child. When the people in your life are having bad days, you are so affectionate. It's surprising to me the empathy you already seem to have.

I am so proud of you at every moment. You make all of my days better. I have made my peace with your need to wake up before the sun. I'd rather you sleep in but if this works better for you then we'll do it.

I love you so much. I'm trying to remember every little thing and I'm sure so much is getting forgotten. It's hard to keep up with you. You're growing so quickly.

I love you Parker!


I'm sorry I didn't copy that email in here. I added it to your blog though.

In less than one week, you'll be my big boy! One year old! I'm so proud of you. Looking over this last year, how you've grown into the sweetest, silliest, most compassionate little guy. I really do love every day I have with you.

I do have one favor to ask though, STOP waking up at 3am. Sheesh! Stay asleep! Okay, rant over. :)

I love you Parker!


This is going to be a short entry. I'm just writing to say that I'll copy here an email I sent to your Aunt Kristen tomorrow.

I'm having some sad days recently. Lots to do with you no longer being my 'baby' after the 13th.

Here is the email:
I have the feeling a lot of the things I'm going to say in this may not make sense to you but you're my best friend. I need to say them somewhere and I know you'll listen. I'm so sad today. I spent the day cleaning Parker's room. Taking out the old toys and clothes he doesn't need anymore, preparing some for storage for *hopefully* the next baby and others for donation. I remember where I was today last year and today the year before that. I'll start with the year before...

We had just broken the news on Christmas Eve to the family that I was pregnant. So freaked out and excited. I couldn't believe that I had gotten pregnant in the first place and on the first try in the second. I was so filled with dreams and hopes and wondering what the baby would look like, how big my belly would get. I had almost constant heartburn and my boobs hurt so bad that I couldn't even look at them. I was *so* excited. I was having a hard time making the transition from 'bar' Allison to expectant mother. I was bored and sickish and excited. I was trying to keep my single friends. In less than a month later I'd find out that I could go back to the bar. That I could smoke again. That all of my hopes were dashed. There are certain days that are especically difficult. The fourth of Febuary, when I found out that the heartbeat was gone. The sixth of that month, when I essentially had to have an abortion because my body didn't want to give up the baby. The twenty-eighth of August when 'clyde' was supposed to be born. I know that I wouldn't have what I have now if I hadn't miscarried but it doesn't lessen the pain of knowing that I had *someone* inside me. Someone with a heartbeat. Someone that I was expecting to have a life ahead of them. I've heard all the lame consolations... 'It wasn't meant to happen. The baby might have been sick.. At least you know you can get pregnant.' All of those things are hurtful and throw the fact that I couldn't sustain that pregnancy in my face. I'm not looking for explanations anymore. There simply aren't any. So that was year before last. And I'm still sad some days because of it.

Then last year... This time last year I was literally days before delivering. I was HUGE. I was uncomfortable. Parker was a mover and a shaker. He used to rub his heel back and forth just under my ribcage for hours. I could feel him stretch and struggle to get comfortable. He was always happiest when I was poking at him. We used to play this game where he'd stick out a limb and I'd push it back. We would do it for forever. I was so ready to meet him but at the same time I had this sick feeling that even being 39 weeks pregnant I still wouldn't get to have a baby. It's a fear that only a woman who has miscarried has I think. I would go in his room and rearrange stuff and refold clothes because I felt like that's what I was 'supposed' to do. I would watch law and order for hours and nap and read the twilight books. I think I stayed in bed for days at a time. Oh and how I ate. Mom took me to all my favorite restaurants in the two weeks before Parker.

Now flash to this year. I have only days left with my baby. Next week he'll be my toddler. I'm not ready to have a toddler. I want him to be little and snuggly still. The hours fly by these days. A countdown I'm not looking forward to ending. I want a baby. I want Parker to still be my baby. He's needing me less and less these days. He is happiest playing alone now. Not games with mommy in her belly anymore. It's banging on the coffee table with whatever toys he has at hand. He's more and more mobile. He's now taking a step unassisted to other furnature. I think I misspelled that.

I can't believe that I've been through what I have in the last two years. I am so defined by both pregnancies. I have a pregnant friend right now and I feel like I just can't let go and breathe until she gets past thirteen weeks. I'm so worried for her, I know what can happen. Both good and bad. I'm so conflicted right now. I want to cry for so many different reasons. Some happy and some sad.
I love you Parker!


I got the year right tonight... it's so strange to be in a new year. I look back on the one past and there's just so much. My life has become so full, so rich. A lot of my time last year was spent worrying whether or not I was a good enough Mom, if I was doing everything right...

This year will be spent much the same but I feel that I have a little experience now so the worries about being a bad Mom feel slightly less. Oh I'll still worry about it but I'm learning to trust myself more. And to follow your lead more at times. You just happen to know more about being a baby than I remember. :)

In the coming months, we'll be weaning formula, bottles, and baby food. I'm nervous but excited. You're getting so big! This time next year I hope to be explaining to you that you'll be a big brother. We just have to get your Daddy on board...

It's late and you're still insisting on waking up at or before 5 am. I love you so much. In less than ten days I'll have a toddler! I'm so proud of you!!

I love you Parker!


In ten days you'll be a year old. It's gone so quickly. You've grown so much. I wish I had some great profound things to say to you about your hitting the one year mark but I don't. Some days have been hard and long. Some have been fun and full of new experiences and passed too quickly.

You're still getting up insanely early. I'm just getting used to it I guess. Maybe one day you'll sleep until a more appropriate time.

I'm waiting on all of the things for your party. I have to order your cake next week.

I'm tired and will be getting up between four and five am.

I love you Parker!


We entered a new year today, a new decade. Life is all so new to you. I don't think you can truly appreciate the passage of time.

For me, it is measured out in hours spent with you and hours spent without.

We've had two bad bedtimes in the last two days. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be easier. I so desperately need it to be.

 I need all the coming days to be easier but I doubt that wish is going to be granted. Your father and I have some hard times ahead. I promised you earlier that we'd always be together and I have no intention of breaking that promise.

 When you get older, you and I are going to have a candid, possibly uncomfortable conversation about how to be a husband. I hope you'll listen to me. I have a bit of experience.

 I love you more than the law should allow and I'm so proud of you!

By the way, you cut another tooth overnight. It is the one on the left beside your front tooth.

I love you Parker!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


You took your first step tonight! It was from the coffee table to me! I'm so excited! And scared, when you figure out you can do this all the time there will be no stopping you!

I told you last night we'd talk about Christmas... You had a huge one, tons of toys from your Aunt, Grandparents, and Great Grandparents. We did it all on Christmas Eve this year. Next year we'll do Christmas Eve and then Christmas morning separate. You, as usual, were awesome.

We spent the morning at the hotel, visiting friends and taking pictures and then went to your Grandparent's in the evening.

I love you so much. I'm so proud of you.

I love you Parker!


I remember exactly where I was this time last year... here, in bed. You were growing like a weed in my belly. I was so big and so uncomfortable. I'm so glad to have you here and healthy and safe. There's a part of me that really misses being pregnant with you. I never really let myself believe that you'd actually be here. I was so unhappy during my pregnancy with you. I felt like every day I dared you to live. And you were determined to be with me. I wish I'd taken more time to enjoy you. I remember feeling you move inside me, it was absolutely the most beautiful feeling I'd ever felt. I miss it SO MUCH.  If I could keep you safe inside me until you were grown... But you were grown, as grown as you could get inside me.

This time next year I want to be starting the journey all over again. I hope we'll be able to be there.

I meant to talk about your Christmas in this entry. Perhaps I'll talk about it tomorrow.

 I love you Parker!