Friday, February 19, 2010


This is going to be a short entry. I'm just writing to say that I'll copy here an email I sent to your Aunt Kristen tomorrow.

I'm having some sad days recently. Lots to do with you no longer being my 'baby' after the 13th.

Here is the email:
I have the feeling a lot of the things I'm going to say in this may not make sense to you but you're my best friend. I need to say them somewhere and I know you'll listen. I'm so sad today. I spent the day cleaning Parker's room. Taking out the old toys and clothes he doesn't need anymore, preparing some for storage for *hopefully* the next baby and others for donation. I remember where I was today last year and today the year before that. I'll start with the year before...

We had just broken the news on Christmas Eve to the family that I was pregnant. So freaked out and excited. I couldn't believe that I had gotten pregnant in the first place and on the first try in the second. I was so filled with dreams and hopes and wondering what the baby would look like, how big my belly would get. I had almost constant heartburn and my boobs hurt so bad that I couldn't even look at them. I was *so* excited. I was having a hard time making the transition from 'bar' Allison to expectant mother. I was bored and sickish and excited. I was trying to keep my single friends. In less than a month later I'd find out that I could go back to the bar. That I could smoke again. That all of my hopes were dashed. There are certain days that are especically difficult. The fourth of Febuary, when I found out that the heartbeat was gone. The sixth of that month, when I essentially had to have an abortion because my body didn't want to give up the baby. The twenty-eighth of August when 'clyde' was supposed to be born. I know that I wouldn't have what I have now if I hadn't miscarried but it doesn't lessen the pain of knowing that I had *someone* inside me. Someone with a heartbeat. Someone that I was expecting to have a life ahead of them. I've heard all the lame consolations... 'It wasn't meant to happen. The baby might have been sick.. At least you know you can get pregnant.' All of those things are hurtful and throw the fact that I couldn't sustain that pregnancy in my face. I'm not looking for explanations anymore. There simply aren't any. So that was year before last. And I'm still sad some days because of it.

Then last year... This time last year I was literally days before delivering. I was HUGE. I was uncomfortable. Parker was a mover and a shaker. He used to rub his heel back and forth just under my ribcage for hours. I could feel him stretch and struggle to get comfortable. He was always happiest when I was poking at him. We used to play this game where he'd stick out a limb and I'd push it back. We would do it for forever. I was so ready to meet him but at the same time I had this sick feeling that even being 39 weeks pregnant I still wouldn't get to have a baby. It's a fear that only a woman who has miscarried has I think. I would go in his room and rearrange stuff and refold clothes because I felt like that's what I was 'supposed' to do. I would watch law and order for hours and nap and read the twilight books. I think I stayed in bed for days at a time. Oh and how I ate. Mom took me to all my favorite restaurants in the two weeks before Parker.

Now flash to this year. I have only days left with my baby. Next week he'll be my toddler. I'm not ready to have a toddler. I want him to be little and snuggly still. The hours fly by these days. A countdown I'm not looking forward to ending. I want a baby. I want Parker to still be my baby. He's needing me less and less these days. He is happiest playing alone now. Not games with mommy in her belly anymore. It's banging on the coffee table with whatever toys he has at hand. He's more and more mobile. He's now taking a step unassisted to other furnature. I think I misspelled that.

I can't believe that I've been through what I have in the last two years. I am so defined by both pregnancies. I have a pregnant friend right now and I feel like I just can't let go and breathe until she gets past thirteen weeks. I'm so worried for her, I know what can happen. Both good and bad. I'm so conflicted right now. I want to cry for so many different reasons. Some happy and some sad.
I love you Parker!

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